(Taken directly from Stan Freberg's book "It Only Hurts When I Laugh" by Eric Hullquist ) SCROOGE:  (SINGING) Bah, humbug, everybody. CHORUS:  Good morning, Mr. Scrooge! SCROOGE:  Well, the meeting will come to order, if you please. Are all the advertising people represented here? CHORUS: Everyone except Amalgamated Cheese! MUSIC:  OUT SCROOGE:  Well, if they're not here for the Christmas pitch, I can't help them find new ways of tying their product in to Christmas. That's why I'm chairman of this board! Let's hear it for me! CHORUS:   Hear, hear! SCROOGE:  All right, Abercrombie, what are your people up to? ABERCROMBIE:  Ahhh, same thing as every year. Fifty thousand billboards showing Santa Claus pausing to refresh himself with our product. SCROOGE:  Mmmmm, hmmm, well, I think the public has come to expect that and . . . ABERCROMBIE:  That's right. It's become tradition! SCROOGE:  You there, Crass, uhh, I suppose your company's running the usual magazine ads showing cartons of your cigarettes peeking out of the top of Santa's sack? CRASS: Better than that! This year we have him smoking one. SCROOGE:  Um-hmmm... CRASS: Yes. We've got Santa a little more rugged, too. Both sleeves rolled up and a tattoo on each arm. One of 'em says "Merry Christmas." SCROOGE:  What does the other one say? CRASS: "Less tar!" SCROOGE:  Great stuff! CRATCHET: But Mr.Scrooge... SCROOGE:  What? Who are you? CRATCHET: Bob Cratchet, sir. I've got a little spice company over in East Orange, New Jersey. Do I have to tie my product in to Christmas? SCROOGE:  What do you mean? CRATCHET: Well, I was just going to send cards out showing the three wise men following the Star of Bethlehem... SCROOGE: I get it! And they're bearing your spices. Now that's perfect. CRATCHET: No, no... no product in it. I was just going to say, "Peace on Earth... Good Will Toward Men." VOICES:     MUMBLING IN BACKGROUND MAN:  Well, that's a peculiar slogan! SCROOGE: Old hat, Cratchet! That went out with button shoes! You're a businessman . . . Christmas is something to take advantage of! MUSIC:      PUNCTUATES SCROOGE: A red and green bandwagon to jump on! MUSIC:      PUNCTUATES SCROOGE: A sentimental shot in the arm for sales! Listen! MUSIC:      CYMBAL CRASH  CHORUS:  Deck the halls with advertising, Fa la la la la la la la la. While you can be enterprising, Fa la la la la la la la la. On the fourth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me Four bars of soap, Three cans of peas, Two breakfast foods, And some toothpaste on a pear tree! On the fifth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me. . . SCROOGE:  Five tube-less tires! CHORUS:   Fo-ur quarts of gin, Three ci-gars, Two cig-ar-ettes, And some hair tonic on a pear tree! (TEMPO CHANGES ROMANTICALLY) Chest-nuts roasting. . . ANNOUNCER:  Sayyyy, Mother, as sure as there's an X in Christmas, you can be sure those are Tiny Tim Chestnuts roasting. Tin-y Tim Chestnuts are frill-bodied . . . longer lasting! This visible shell . . . SOUND:      KNOCK-KNOCK ANNOUNCER:    ...protects the nut! Now with X-K 29 added, for people who can't roast after every meal. GIRL TRIO: Tin-ee Tim! Tin-ee Tim! Chest-nuts all the way! ANNOUNCER:  Tin-y Tim's roast hot... like a chestnut ought! And.. . they are  (ECHO) mild, mild, mild, mild. ORCHESTRA:    PUNCTUATES CHORUS:   Deck the halls with advertising, Fa la la la la la la la la. 'Tis the time for merchandising, Fa la la la la la la la la. Profit never needs a reason, Fa la la la la la la la la. Get the money, it's the season, Fa la la la la la la la la. SCROOGE: Words to live by, Cratchet! CRATCHET: For you, maybe. Can't you just wish someone merry Christmas, for the pure joy of doing it? SCROOGE: Why? What's the percentage in that? Let me show you how to make Christmas work for you! CHORUS:   We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, And please buy our beer! SCROOGE: There you go, Cratchet! That's Christmas with a purpose. CRATCHET: I know, but wait a minute. Don't you guys make enough profit the other eleven months? Christmas comes but once a year. SCROOGE: Humph! Funny thing you should bring that up. That's exactly the point I was about to make. Hit it, boys! SCROOGE:  Christmas comes but once a year, So you better make hay while the snow is falling, That's opportunity calling you! CHORUS:   Rub your hands, December's here, What a wonderful time to be Glad and merry! SCROOGE:  Just so you're mercenary too! CHORUS:   Buy an ad and show all the toys, Show all the toys up on the shelf SCROOGE:  Just make sure that you get a plug, You get a plug, In for yourself! SCROOGE AND CHORUS: Christmas comes but once a year, So you better cash in, While the spirit lingers, It's slipping through your fingers, Boy! Don't you realize Christmas can be such a Monetary joy! CRATCHET: Well, I guess you fellows will never change. SCROOGE: Why should we? Christmas has two s's in it, and they're both dollar signs. CRATCHET: Yeah, but they weren't there to begin with. SCROOGE:   Eh? CRATCHET:  The people keep hoping you'll remember. But you never do. SCROOGE:  Remember what? CRATCHET: Whose birthday we're celebrating. SCROOGE: Well, ....... don't get me wrong. The story of Christmas, in its simplicity, is a good thing - I'll buy that. It's just that we know a good thing when we see it. CRATCHET: But don't you realize Christmas has a significance, a meaning. SCROOGE: A sales curve! Wake up, Cratchet, it's later than you think. CRATCHET: I know, Mr. Scrooge, I know. CHORUS:   On the first day of Christmas, The advertising's there, with Newspaper ads, Billboards too, Business Christmas cards, And commercials on a pear tree. . . Jingles here, jingles there, Jingles all the way. Dashing through the snow, In a fifty-foot coup-e O'er the fields we go, Selling all the way. . . Deck the halls with advertising, What's the use of compromising, Fa la la la la la la la la. MUSIC:      AS TRADITIONAL HYMNS ATTEMPT TO BREAK THROUGH THE MUSICAL ENDING, IT BUILDS TO A CRESCENDO. WE HEAR "JINGLE BELLS" PUNCTUATED WITH THE SOUND OF A CASH REGISTER RINGING UP SALES. ON THE LAST NOTE OF THE MUSIC, WE HEAR MONEY DROPPING IN AND THE CASH REGISTER SLAMMING SHUT!