Santa Explains the Mysteries

[Elf Ed Zachary]

Hello and Merry Christmas,

My name is Ed Zachary and I am an elf. It is my job as a columnist for the North Pole Gazette to defend Santa and to explain the many questions that come in regarding how Santa does what he does. Even though Santa delivers around the world each and every Christmas eve, even though every kid gets something, even though NASA, Norad, countless news organizations and bazillions of websites like this one track Santa's every move, there are doubters out there.

And I get their email.

Under the direction of Elf Ernest, I have been asked to post some recent questions about Santa here on the forums today for Santa to answer himself.

This isn't necessary, of course. I've already answered them. But today you will hear from Santa on these issues. Here they are:

1. How can Santa get around the world in one night?

2. How does a big guy like Santa fit in my chimney?

3. What makes reindeer fly?

I won't say anything further, unless Santa directs me to do so. These are the easy ones.

EZ

[Santa]

Hello, Elf Ed Zachary. Pleasure to see you online again. Yes, we know you know it all. But we need your voice to help those who don't know to know, you know?

[Santa]

How can Santa get around the world in one night?

Well, I admit, it takes a lot of speed. But consider this, too. I've got time zones on my side. Plus a lot more reindeer than most people think. Most people measure speed in horsepower. Even the space shuttle uses something like 20 million horsepower.

In my world, everything is measured in reindeer power. And that is just off the charts compared to horsepower. That is why most people don't understand the whole around-the-world in one night thing.

But other than time zones and reindeer, are there any other secrets?

Oh yes. Plenty. And some will remain a secret. But allow me to add just one more little thing.

There's something in those cookies and carrots you leave out that is powerfully necessary to get me around the world each Christmas.

love, Santa

[Santa]

How does a big guy like Santa fit in my chimney?

Snugly, at times, I admit. But to be candid, most of the time I don't use chimneys. Many of you still leave your doors unlocked or a window cracked and I'll use that way in if I have to.

But sometimes the chimney is the only way.

Did you know that I am licensed in more than 160 countries around the world as a fire inspector? This provides me with legal access in most areas and it gives me, as well, access in advance of Christmas to blueprints and building plans all around the world. So I know what I am getting into before I get there.

Now, let me once again warn you. I am a professional. NEVER try this at home, kids. Only appropriately dressed and certified individuals should ever go down a chimney or on a roof.

Chimneys can be messy places. Often, the only cleaning they get is when I come into town. I bet you didn't know that. Granted, cleaning a chimney slows me down just a tad on Christmas Eve but it does make a fine gift for a family, does it not?

But I'll tell you right here, getting down the chimney is not the hard part. Getting up the chimney is. But that's another question.

love, Santa

[Santa]

What makes reindeer fly?

Oh dear. This is a delicate question.

Reindeer have a natural propulsion system that is not complex or mysterious. It is the same kind of system that cattle have that gives some people worries about the ozone. (Which is pure silliness, I tell you).

Now, knowing that, it is plain to see why Santa flies in cold weather and the open air.

How we channel that propulsion to sustain flight, well, that's a protected technology that I cannot discuss out of security concerns if it got into the wrong military hands around the world, if you catch my, er, drift.

Reindeer are very special creatures. Each one is an athlete. Very graceful, very controlled in their emotions and their bodies. And I'm yet to find one who doesn't love Christmas.

And that, my friends -- LOVE -- is really what makes reindeer fly.

love, Santa

[Santa]

Those were really pretty easy, EZ. You have any toughies for me?

[dvdguy]

reindeer fly by....gaseous emissions?

[Jinglebelle]

Hi SANTA!!!!!!!

[Santa]

Hi SANTA!!!!!!!

Hi Monica! How are you, little girl?

love, Santa

[Santa]

reindeer fly by....gaseous emissions?

Yes, if you must be direct about it, dvdguy.

Come to think of it, don't we all have gaseous emissions?

love, Santa <== who cannot believe he opened this can of worms

[Jinglebelle]

Hi Monica! How are you, little girl?

love, Santa

I'm hanging in there Santa!! Nice to see you again! :D

[Elf Ed Zachary]

Those were really pretty easy, EZ. You have any toughies for me?

Uh, none of them are tough for you, Santa.

[Elf Ed Zachary]

love, Santa <== who cannot believe he opened this can of worms

This is what the boss was concerned about in talking about these things in an open forum, Santa.

Any thing I can do to help out?

[Elf Ed Zachary]

reindeer fly by....gaseous emissions?

Well, you don't see any wings on them do you? Sheesh. This is so typical. You give a guy an answer to one of the Santa mysteries and then he doesn't like the answer!

[Santa]

I'm hanging in there Santa!! Nice to see you again! :D


I heard about your little accident. Please let Love know how much I admire and thank her for taking care of you. She is not only a lovely spitting image of her Mother but she is an angel in her own right. Please give her a hug from Santa and let her know I will not forget her this year.

Or you either. I might have a spare cane I can lend you!

love, Santa

[dvdguy]

hey i didnt say i didnt like it. Its just a bit surprising when you think about all the stories we've heard about them over the years

[Santa]

Well, you don't see any wings on them do you? Sheesh. This is so typical. You give a guy an answer to one of the Santa mysteries and then he doesn't like the answer!

Oh, boy. Elf Ed, why don't you go work on your next column and I'll handle this.

[Santa]

hey i didnt say i didnt like it. Its just a bit surprising when you think about all the stories we've heard about them over the years

Well a lot of stories are just that...stories. But don't discount the power of love and magic at Christmas either. Lots of people say Santa is unexplainable, like taxes or the designated hitter. That's not true. There are logical answers to everything. There are no real mysteries.

love, Santa

[Jinglebelle]

I heard about your little accident. Please let Love know how much I admire and thank her for taking care of you. She is not only a lovely spitting image of her Mother but she is an angel in her own right. Please give her a hug from Santa and let her know I will not forget her this year.

Or you either. I might have a spare cane I can lend you!

love, Santa

I'll hug her and be sure to tell her Santa!

[dvdguy]

Well a lot of stories are just that...stories. But don't discount the power of love and magic at Christmas either. Lots of people say Santa is unexplainable, like taxes or the designated hitter. That's not true. There are logical answers to everything. There are no real mysteries.

love, Santa

dont discount the power of love, magic & beans.
Now i have to know, what do you feed them?

[Santa]

dont discount the power of love, magic & beans.
Now i have to know, what do you feed them?

Well, remember, these are trained athletes so they are on a very strict diet of oats, whole grains, corn.

And, oh yeah, chocolate.

[dvdguy]

of course

[JayIsh]

Hi Santa!

Jay here-

Thanks for all the great memories from the last 45 years...You mentioned that love is the reason for the reindeer...Isn't your whole mission based on love, every ounce of it?

One rather touchy subject...

How come I never got that "Hats-Off" game I wanted???

Thanks for those race cars...They were the best gift you ever gave me!

jay

[elfworks]

and one assumes they drink eggnog as well.......

xo

[dvdguy]

well yes of course

[Head Elf]

Hi Santa,

When is it to old to sit on your lap?

[Santa]

Isn't your whole mission based on love, every ounce of it?

One rather touchy subject...How come I never got that "Hats-Off" game I wanted???


Hi Jay, Merry Christmas!

Yes, thank you for the reminder. It is all about love. Love of a mother for a child, love for a Son, love to each other. In the end, things like trees and eggnog and presents are really just extensions of love, are they not?

Which brings me to the Hat-Off thingy. As Santa, I have a difficult role sometimes. I want to please every child and I want the approval of every mother, father and caretaker out there. Some times that is easy, some times it is not.

I'm not exactly saying this is what happened in your case, but some times a mother prefers that I bring things like socks and underwear in addition to a few toys. Some Moms and Dads don't want it overdone for their kids on Christmas morning, so I try to keep things modest. And for some families, well, the NEED for other things -- things like food or warm clothing or medicine -- is greater than any game.

I know that is not a direct answer, Jay. But if you consider those comments to the conditions you grew up in, I think you'll find your answer and see the love in all of it.

Merry Christmas, Jay. Maybe we'll see about that Hat-Off game this year!

love, Santa

[Santa]

and one assumes they drink eggnog as well.......

xo

Oh, absolutely. But not just any old eggnog. Elf Victor -- he's the elf in charge of Santa's Stables -- has a special nutritional eggnog blend engineered not only to help enhance the flying performance of reindeer but also to raise their level of merriness. Reindeer, believe it or not, are very serious animals. They tend to concentrate hard and are prone to pensive moments. Many, believe it or not, are very good poets. Eggnog helps to level out that tempermentality and gives them energy to get just the right jingle from the bells.

Reindeer....eggnog...jingle bells...everything is all connected, you see. Even mistletoe. Think about it. There is a science to Christmas.

love, Santa

[Santa]

When is it too old to sit on your lap?

Outstanding question! You are NEVER too old, too fat, too ugly, too rich, too poor, too religious, too agnostic, too unbelieving, too weird, too political or too insane to sit on Santa's lap.

Sitting on Santa's lap isn't about anything other than sharing a magic moment together sharing fond wishes, exploring dreams, and expressing good will.

There are no limits on this. So if even if you're feeling a little long in the tooth, Head Elf, bring it on.

love, Santa

[Head Elf]

Thank you Santa, I will see you around and I will be seeing you after Thanksgiving to sit on your lap at my local mall. I'll even take a picture with you.

[JanaBanana]

I like this thread :)

[Amanda Elf]

I really enjoyed reading this thread.
I hope more is added to it.
Oh and Santa (not that you didn't know) but a lot of kids are now using the magic key, as we don't have a (real) fireplace.
My 3 leave the magic key hanging on the back door and try as they might the kids never hear it open or close!

[Undrtakr]

Just wanted to say Hi Santa. Also to thank you for bringing joy to all the children. Im a little older now but I still love to believe in Santa Claus. Keep up the great work! Oh and I have a question, not sure if you can answer it. But these days when Santa is depicted flying through the sky Rudolph is usualy NOT in the picture. Do you know why? or heck, does anyone?

[kidzrme]

Santa, My neice, Kayla, and my nephew, Dorian, requested that I say hello and tell you that they love you!

[Montana's Santa]

Heck, everybody knows Rudolph only takes the lead when the weather is really bad.... stormy and foggy! How could you forget that? (not to mention he's pushing 70 and not all that thrilled about going out allnight long).

[drumboytko]

I love this thread! Thank you so much Santa for all you have done, and all the joy you have brought to all of our lives! I have a question though, does the sled design ever change from year to year? You would think the development of spaceage materials and new design techniques? Thanks so much.