How do you have a merry christmas when a family member dies ?

[mammaduke]

This morning we lost my mother in law, she died in her sleep. The only gift under the tree has been hers. It is really hard for him to even look at the tree now without remembering that gift that is still there. He won't let me remove it. How do I help him now ? I need some advice I've never had to deal with this.

[Annette1990]

I am sorry to hear this Mammaduke..It's really difficult to have to go through this anytime of the year. Even more so around the Holidays. Everyone has their own way of grieving. Some may want to talk about it, and others may remain silent. Sometimes it's better I think to let the person who is grieving have their space. In time he/she will come around and feel like talking about it. Pressuring the person to say how he or she is feeling may only make matters worse at the time. I also found a couple of great articles online that you may want to review. Maybe it will help you some. I will send them to your inbox.



~Wishing you the best, during this difficult time~

[officepro4u]

Oh Debbie ~ I am SO sorry! I will keep you in my prayers. This is a very difficult time to have to deal with loss. There is no way around that! Just let him grieve in his own way. Sometimes that's hard because they may not grieve the same as we do. Let him keep the gift under the tree and let him remove it when he's ready.

Right now he needs just your ear and shoulder. You can't "fix" it (as we as women often want to do!) so just let him cry. He may get angry, he may be quiet, but them him do what he needs to do to get through it!

Please know that I am thinking of you, praying for you and know that God will be with you!

We are here for you as you have been here for us (especially me!!!!!!!!)

Lots of Love,
Diana

[Jeff Westover]

This morning we lost my mother in law, she died in her sleep. The only gift under the tree has been hers. It is really hard for him to even look at the tree now without remembering that gift that is still there. He won't let me remove it. How do I help him now ? I need some advice I've never had to deal with this.

Mammaduke,

I'm very sorry to hear your news. Our sincerest condolences to you and your family.

How did your mother-in-law feel about the holidays? I believe you need to honor her with a Christmas as she would have liked it for all your family. If the plans were in place for you to celebrate Christmas together before it would be appropriate to keep those plans as she would have wished. Her passing gives you something more to celebrate in the reflection of a life well lived.

My sister's husband lost his mom this week, too. Very suddenly, as you describe. And we discussed this issue at length as it will surely be a different celebration this Christmas because of the absence felt. I completely understand all that you are dealing with!

But it need not be a sad time. As we discussed, the birth of the Savior is celebrated not simply because He was born. It is celebrated because he died and overcame death. The scriptures promise us that through Him we all live yet again after we die here. If there is anything worthy of celebration it is that Gift of all Gifts!

Jeff

[officepro4u]

Jeff ~ your post was written and described so beautifully. Thank you!!! It helped me today.

Diana

[Annette1990]

I also wanted to mention this book I have been reading. It's called 90 Minutes in Heaven. By Don Piper. You should look into this and maybe pass it on to your husband as a Christmas Gift. I think it would really lift his spirits. It has mine, that's for sure.

[Amy]

*hugs* I'm so sorry. You, your husband and family are in my thoughts.

[joyful]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of a family member. Everyone grieves in their own way but I truly believe we can honor our loved one that has gone or we can dishonor their memory.

This will be my first Christmas without my dear sweet Dad, he died last June and I know he would not want me to mope around and be sad. I can't be that selfish and ruin Christmas for others. Yes, I will miss him for I think of him every day and miss him but I do plan to celebrate the day with the living and not be selfish so their day can be a joyous celebration.

When our spouse hurts, we hurt too but we have to move on. I would let him alone and keep praying for him and continue to make a Merry Christmas for the family.

[kelly ann]

(((hugs)))) Your in my thoughts. My deepest condolences.

[novelist]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. I lost my Dad in october, so this holiday season has been rough for me and my family. Everyone grieves differently. Just let your husband grieve in his own way, but be there for him when he needs you.

[kerst]

So sorry to hear about your loss, Debbie !

Our life cannot always be full of happiness but it can always be full of love !

Thinking of you and your family.


Becky

[JayIsh]

...A life well lived...I love that saying...And it is a celebration...I've been very lucky in my life to not have to deal with this type of thing first hand...but it's coming...All I can hope is that I can go through it with the dignity that you are showing, and the love that others are showing you! I'll say a prayer for you, your husband and your Mom in law!

[ChristmasSpirit76]

I am so sorry for your family's loss mammaduke. I wish i could say some magic words and help your family heal through this time, but i don't know the right words to say. Please except my sincere condolences and your family is in my prayer and thougts.

[spikydu]

so sorry to hear off your loss

My parnters mother passed away just over a week and a half ago and was was buried in spain where she lived.

My partner had to fly out for the funeral.

I did discuss taking down the tree and the cards etc, but she loved christmas so we have decided to leave everything up.

It will be a hard time though

Once again my sympathy goes out to your family


simonx

[Sunshine73]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. :( My thoughts and prayers go out to your entire family during this difficult time.

I'm in a very similar situation myself this Christmas as my father-in-law just passed away in October. I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love so much experiencing the pain of such a horrible loss. It broke my heart because I couldn't "fix" it. I couldn't do anything to make him feel better. It was the most helpless feeling I'd ever had.

You asked how you could help him. I remember asking the same thing and receiving some great advice.

First, let him just "be" whatever it is that he needs to be. If that's sad, angry, overwhelmed...whatever, give him the gift of his emotions. They may not be the same as the ones you might have in the situation but everyone processes grief differently.

Second, make the grieving process as easy as you can for him. Since grieving, planning a funeral, dealing with a loss of that magnitude can take over your whole world and leave room for very little else take care of whatever day to day stuff you can so that he can focus on dealing with the incredibly overwhelming task at hand.

Finally, be there in the background to pick up the "slack". When my FIL died, I was the "go to" person...meaning if something "menial" needed to be done, I did it. When the family needed to go deal with some of the funeral arrangements, I stayed behind to answer the phone and take delivery of flowers that seemed to come by the truckload. When they ran out of something (soda, ice, paper products, etc.) I volunteered to run to the store to pick it up (I say *volunteered* because sometimes a family member just needs to get out of the house and do something "normal"...so if they would rather do it, I let them). I answered doors, I did dishes, I ran errands and anything else (including scrubbing MIL's carpet...she became obsessed with cleaning the carpets before the funeral) that came up.

In the weeks following the funeral, my DH shared with me that those were exactly the things that he'd needed. However, the one thing that I didn't make time for or prepare for was my own grief. I loved my FIL (stubborn, pain in the behind that he was) and I, too, experienced a loss. So, in the middle of helping everyone else, make sure you take some time out for yourself.

As for having a Merry Christmas? I don't know. DH's family has decided to celebrate Christmas because that's what FIL would have wanted. Things will be different this year and a little bittersweet no doubt, but we will try to strike a balance between remembering FIL and having a happy holiday. We want his spirit to be a part of the Christmas celebration but we don't want his absence to be the focus of it.

[act_as_if]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your husband are coping well.

[mammaduke]

Thank you everyone for all the kind words & prayers that we have received this past 2 days. You'll never know how they are helping us get through all of this since it was so sudden.
Her roommate said they were up the night before watching Christmas shows, & that she could hear her snoring at 5:30 that morning. At 6:oo they went to wake her up & she wouldn't awake.
I took last night after everyone left & my husband finally settled down to sleep, to do some crying.
Thank you again everyone for all your support, it does help us both.

[Holly Cl'Oz]

I'm so sorry for you. This is hard at any time when a death is unexpected but I know it's especially hard at the holidays. The first holiday without a loved one is so hard. I do hope you try to continue with your holiday plans. You've lost your mother in law but life is unpredictable and you never know who you could lose in the coming year and you might regret not having a last christmas with someone else. But mostly try to follow your husband's lead. He'll need to work through things in his own way and he's very lucky to have a wife that cares so much.

[clarebear]

I'm sorry for your loss, things will get better in time. :wink:

[MerryLady]

This morning we lost my mother in law, she died in her sleep. The only gift under the tree has been hers. It is really hard for him to even look at the tree now without remembering that gift that is still there. He won't let me remove it. How do I help him now ? I need some advice I've never had to deal with this.


Mammaduke,
I'm so sorry to hear about your mother in law.
Its always difficult to lose a loved one and even more painful when it happens around this time of year.

I have dealt with this before and it never gets any easier.
First thing I want to tell you might seem obvious, but its something a lot of people don't seem to realize...You ARE allowed to be sad.

Its just human nature, when you lose someone you love, even if you believe they've gone on to a far better place, they aren't with you anymore right now and it hurts. So, allow yourself to mourn, to cry and let your husband know its ok too.
Men get told since the time they are little boys to be strong, not cry, so its even harder for them to express sadness.
Let him know he's safe expressing any emotion he feels in front of you.
Once you've accepted that you have the right to your feelings, you can start to heal.

Another thing you can do this Christmas season to honor your mother in law, is that you and your husband can give a donation in her memory to her favorite charity or something that she was passionate about.
One of the last things I want to mention is that although it hurts and feels like it will hurt for ever, someday the pain will start to ease.
As I said before, you have a right to be sad, but sometimes its not being sad that people who've lost a loved one feel they have no right to, but joy and happiness.

Just as its ok to feel sad, its ok to celebrate too. All your feelings, whatever they are, are legitimate. This applies not just to this year, but Christmases in the future.

When someone passes away around Christmas time, families often feel strange about EVER allowing themselves to have a merry Christmas again.

If you ever start feeling guilty about wanting to enjoy the holidays, just remember that she would have wanted you to.
It might be hard now, but when you are able, talk about your mother in law, set aside time to remember how she loved Christmas. If there were special things she did, talk about that and even take up those tasks yourself and do them in her memory.

Once again, I'm so sorry for your pain and I hope my words just hope my words can help, at least a tiny bit.

[whychristmas]

You're all in my prayers Debbie.

[mammaduke]

Thank you everyone , the next two days will be hard. THE viewing tonight (the 5th) then the funeral on the 6th) thrusday.

[JOHNOR]

mammaduke i am so sorry.

we lost my precious grandad on christmas morning in 1993, of course he is still missed like crazy but we still need to try and celebrate the birth of christ, it is what he would have wanted and i am sure it is what your MIL would have wanted.

take comfort in knowing you WILL be together again one day, the lord obviously wanted her to join him for his birthday party.

lots of love to you and your family. x

[xmascrackers]

Hey Debbie, my deepest sympathies - a really bad time to happen, at least she did not suffer, to go out in ones sleep is what most of us wish for. I hope all goes well for the viewing and funeral. As to the present under the tree. That is one of the really hard things. Sitting under our tree at the moment are presents my mother bought after last Christmas for us - They have been sitting under my bed all year and pulling them out was difficult. The only thing I can suggest is get more presents under the tree, dont take hers away, just fill the spaces with more so that there is more to look at than that one. When Christmas day comes along, open it and remember the love that went into that gift. Thats what we plan to do. We all buy gifts early for family and so I have a gift for my mother as well. It is no use to her so I took it to the hospice and asked them to give it to another client of theirs. On Monday I went out and bought some new artificial flowers to add to mums grave and a little plaque. On Christmas day I will go to the cemetery and give her her gift. So the day wont be Merry from beginning to end but I know she will want us to be as happy as we can and that is what we will try and do. My thoughts are with you Debbie. Know that we are thinking of you all right now.

Lisa

[ChristmasFan08]

Mammaduke im so sorry for your loss
takinga family member dying any time of year is very hard and i wish you and your family a safe and peaceful time through this very bad time but i would keep the present under the tree andgrieve in your own waysas every1 has ways of grieving differently

All the best for you and your family in the near future

[Maureen]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's always hard on those left behind but you have to remember she's gone to a better place.

My other half's mother passed on Christmas Eve in 2004. We had gone to Canada for Christmas and his sister phoned us while we were out getting last minute presents. His mum had deliberately played down how ill she was because she wanted everyone to enjoy their Christmas.

That Christmas was hard as all we wanted was to be back here with his father and the following Christmas was equally hard because it was the first anniversary. My OH still goes quiet and things upset him when something reminds him of her, but he can also remember the fun times (and the arguments!) and how much his mother loved her family and this season. She'd be really annoyed if she thought people were sad because she'd gone instead of rejoicing that she'd lived.

http://i97.photobucket.com/albums/l201/Bridgemoose/1huggggg.gif

[little miss icequeen]

I´m so sorry for your loss.

[Head Elf]

Mammaduke,
I am sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. Everyone had some great info to give you. I know that when I lost my mother 3 years ago (almost 4), my husband cried like a baby and I was the strong one who had to pull together everything and do everything. I still have not cried publicly and I wish for her to return to me for one last ......
But she loved christmas and everything about it and I remember her every day and every holiday. The one thing that I did do was I went to International Star Registry and bought a star for her. So, I can look in the night sky and attempt to pick out her star and talk to her. It helped with my grieving process at the time. I can't watch Prancer or the Littlest Angel (1960's) or a White Christmas without a simple tear to remind me that my mother watched these with me. But I do enjoy them more because of that also. Good luck to you and your family in the coming months. You are in my thoughts.......

[mammaduke]

Hi there everyone, I want to say thank you for everything that has been written . Tonight went as well as can be aspected, there were so many people there. I had to make sure that I started getting everything together for the reception after the service, I finally got all the cooking done so I can relax a little now.
Thanks again, Debbie

[Christmas-man]

In 2009 my motherinlaw died on the morning of 22/12. This was not expected at all, okay she was 82 years old and not so healty but still.... worst was when we give here christmasgifts to our children, with her handwriting on... and at the dinner table there was one chair empty...

[momnan30]

In 2009 my motherinlaw died on the morning of 22/12. This was not expected at all, okay she was 82 years old and not so healty but still.... worst was when we give here christmasgifts to our children, with her handwriting on... and at the dinner table there was one chair empty...
Agreed, this is so hard. I lost my beautiful mom on Nov. 17th of 2010. Christmas will never be the same for me. My Mom knew I was such a Christmas lover and I know she would want me to go on and she would want me to remember her and my dad, but not to be so sad. She once told me that if something were to happen to her, she didn't want me to be sad. Easier said than done, but I will forge on with my love for Christmas and always always keep the memories of Mom and Dad with me and what they taught me about love.

[xmas365]

I lost my mom in March 1991, I was only 16 and I remember that first Christmas without her was very hard, I remember Christmas Day all the family was at my aunt and uncle's house and I went up into the bathroom and cried for a long time, I just couldn't deal with that pain but I didn't want to be seen. I still think of her during the holiday season, and miss her quite a bit. Time has healed a lot of that pain, but the scars will always be visible.