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The Ghost of Christmas Future - A Fearful Blog

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Posted 12-19-2010 at 12:43 PM by caninemom3
Tags death, fear

It is so hard to believe that Saturday is Christmas Day. Time not only goes fast these days. For me, it goes with warp speed.

The Christmas Eve glow that I feel each year is becoming more and more prominent each day we move closer now. I may be a sap but I TRULY wish for peace on Earth and good will to all men, though I know this is probably something all of us want.

Our tree is beautiful as ever. The mantel is decorated with garland and tons of lights and on the mantel my Santa Claus figures which I have collected through the years even from when David, my first husband was here.

The nativity scenes are in their full glory welcoming the newborn Jesus to the world replete with angels, shepherds, The Holy Family of course, and bushels of animals !!! As one member of MMC put it (Thank you Trackrebel !!), my nativity scenes are like a combination Noah's Ark and nativity scene. There are dogs,cats, ducks, geese, polar bears, lots and lots of polar bears, meerkats, cows, chickens, lions, tigers zebras, mice and on and on. This is my way of welcoming Jesus to the world which He created, by having his animal children be there on the day that is celebrated as his birth.

I am reading a Christmas Carol as is usual for me right before Christmas but there is one thing that is more terrifying about it this year than previous years and I don't know why. It is the Ghost of Christmas Future.

Here comes the worry wart kid again !! As a child I was always a worrier though I didn't even know what I was worrying about. I have always been a worrier. It does no good. It doesn't stop misfortunes from happening. It is however, a persistent state for me.

The future has always TERRIFIED me. The unknown. Each year at this time I reflect upon what the year has been like and worry about what the new year may bring.

I feel as though I am running out of time and fast. I know this is probably a form of anxiety but it is not pleasant and as I mentioned this year is worse. I am 56. My sister whom I love more than any other human on the face of this earth is 67.

What if something would happen to her ??? The very thought of it makes tears start running down my cheeks uncontrollably. What if she gets really sick or if my
brother-in-law suffers another heart
attack ??

What if something should happen to my husband ?? I have found over the past months that we seem to have crossed to a place in our relationship where we get along much better than we ever have. My husband does EVERYTHING around here. From taking care of the outside of the house, the lawn, etc. to doing all the cleaning inside. He would gladly drop everything he is doing at any moment to get me anything I needed.

He has his problems, who doesn't ?? I discovered a while ago he was beaten by his father nearly every day as a child and his father was an alcoholic too. He has no reference as to what it would have been like to have affection from his parents or anyone really. I think that is what tends to make him verbally abusive at times, he simply does not know any better.

Anyway. I am off the point. I have always lived in fear of what is to come. I know just how Scrooge felt. Does this make me a bad Christian ?? I mean, if I really believe shouldn't I be able to just trust God that all will be well in the future ?? I can't do that. I am frightened and I don't mind saying it.

Christmas future is indeed an imposing spectre in my life. I keep telling myself "oh Margaret (my sister whom I call Nani) could have 20 years yet". But what if ??

Then there is the thought of facing the inevitable myself, my own demise. I have also always had a thing about being buried. I don't want to be. I have suffered from asthma for 33 years and somehow in my twisted Twilight Zone influenced mind, I will know if I am buried and I will feel as though I am suffocating - ETERNALLY.

The future. I can't say the future has EVER been a friend to me. I suppose, playing amateur psychiatrist here mind you, part of my problem comes from some sense of abandonment and feeling as though I am alone. In 1977 I lost my dear brother Andy to drowning, in 1988 my dear dad passed from an extended and partcularly nasty battle with esophageal cancer that had spread to his lungs, in 1992 my first husband, David, ended his own life by shooting himself in the head in our back bedroom and was found by myself, in 1997 my other brother, Julius went into ventricular fibrillation and died at the age of 49, in 1998 my dear mother passed away.

I know one is always to expect one's parents to pass someday, I never did and I don't think I could have been ready for the way they passed no matter how much I "prepared". The same with the rest of my family. The future has been most unkind. Now there is just my sister and me left. I know that one day one of us........Well, there come those tears again.

Today is not the future. Today is now and it is Christmas week. Perhaps I can put the ghost or ghosts of the future by the wayside for now and just concentrate on our newborn king, the lord of lords and the priest of priests, Jesus. I believe He was 100 percent human at one time and though there is nothing to tell us if He feared the future, I like to think that even He wrestled with uncertainty and fear.

Perhaps If I just keep my eyes on Him, everything will be just fine.
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