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Advice From Susy

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Posted 03-05-2011 at 10:30 PM by caninemom3

Hi Susy, or I guess I should say mom.

Yes, it's me again. I miss you so much. You must know that because I tell you every single day. Mama, I hope you are okay.

If I could just speak to you and know you are well again, not suffering and happy then maybe I would not tear up everytime I think about you. We were always such wonderful and close friends as well as mom and daughter. You never hesitated to be the "mom" if the situation needed it and never shirked your responsibility by trying to be the "friend" all the time. You were always by my side even though I was not always by yours.

What a terrible and awful child I was to you. Except I somehow got the courage and foiled the plans to put you in a nursing home which was a very bad one and I did put a halt on your receiving a PEG tube which you certainly did not need. Those two situations would have been the work of my brother, Julius. But somehow, I got the courage and spoke up. I must say I became quite a bold lion in the situation. I reamed everyone from the administrators to nurses in order to save you and of course my brother heard it too. Your youngest for once had a "starched back bone" but I did it for you. If If had been me who was being stepped on, the parties involved would have suceeded but I was not going to let you be stepped on.

Anyway, it was the least I could do. And after all, I believe in children honoring their parents like the bible says we are supposed to. I just wish I could have done more. I deserted you when you were dying. That horrible day I could not stay in the room when you started to flat line. Mom, it was not because I didn't love you. I was losing you and I just couldnt' watch. Perhaps someday you will forgive me.

Oh mom. I am so alone sometimes. All our family is gone except my sister and even she is not a Spring chicken any longer. I don't want to wind up here by myself.

I have gotten a job at a different place, mom, and I am having such a struggle. You would think being a transcriptionist would not change that much even with a new set of doctors to transcribe, but it makes ALL the difference. I can hardly understand the docs who dictate at my new job. What am I going to do, mom, if I fail and they fire me ? I am scared. If you were here with me I know you would comfort me.

Me and my bright ideas. After David died I decided to go back to school to get a career going then I met my now husband who had two small children. I told myself I could "learn" to be a stepparent. That I would help guide them and be kind to them and maybe even grow close to them. All wrong. What was I thinking ???

I was so naive. I tried so hard and none of it mattered. No matter how patient I tried to be or what I did it didn't matter. Their father was of little help because he basially let DJ and Kristin do whatever the heck they wanted. Oh he would yell at them (still does) and make threats about consequences but then he would and still does promptly back peddle and give in.

HUGE misteak on my part becoming involved in such a situation. A good person would have found a way to get through to them. I know you tried to raise me to be a good person. I have failed you again.

I could really use your advice, mom. What would you tell me if you could ?

You always used to tell me when I was growing up that I needed to "starch" my backbone. There have only been a few circumstances where it was "extra starched' but there have been plenty of others where I certainly needed to be more assertive and just could not be.

I was at the grocery store last week and I saw a small elderly lady who for some reason reminded me of you. I immediately welled up with tears. I quickly turned to survey the boxed cereal isle in front of me. I didn't want anyone to think or know how crazy I am.

Mama, I want to make you proud of me again. You were once proud of me when I was a "blues singer" in my youth. You and pop came to hear me and told me how wonderful I was and how proud you both were. Now I am getting older and with few accomplishments in life. Not the ones people of my age are supposed to have. For me, there is no "nest egg,' no savings account, no financial security at all.

My husband has a very bad drinking problem and get a most meager pension. I work full time and will never be able to stop.

So you see ? I have not done much of anything with the life that you gave me. Mom, I am so sorry I have turned out the way that I am. I don't know if you can, but please say a prayer for me to receive what I need to understand these doctors at my new job. Is it possible you could do that ??

I miss giving you hugs and kisses Susy. As I close my eyes, I see you and I am hugging you as tight as I can. I love you Susy. xo
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  1. Old Comment
    xmas365's Avatar
    Louanne,

    You are wonderful person and I am sure Susy sees that. You should never have to apologize for who you became, because you have touched a lot of hearts on this site, and I am sure in your area with your friends. God has a plan for each of us and you are doing his work with your love of animals, love of Christmas, and when you share on your blogs the words of wisdom, poems, etc... I know I look forward to reading what you write. I am sure your stepchildren appreciate all you did for them, even if they don't show it, the way you were writing about DJ with the Hodgkin's issue I could see the true emotion and love and worry you have about him. You are a great person, don't ever feel down about who you became, because there would be a lot of people who would have never got to know you.
    Posted 03-16-2011 at 08:06 AM by xmas365 xmas365 is offline
 

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