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Posted 03-26-2012 at 09:20 PM by caninemom3

It is a Monday evening and I am sitting by the fireplace with a fire nicely warming my corner of the living room. My canine kids are all asleep. My 5-1/2 year old, Clancy, is asleep beside me. My 4-month-old baby, Hermione is asleep on the other couch and my dear sweet old man of 15, Wishbone is asleep on the foot stool nuzzled up against my feet and here I sit completely and utterly exhausted yet wide awake.

There are so many reasons why I feel this way I think. One reason is my current job. I have been a transcriptionist for nearly 18 years and no job has ever made me so tired as the one I have now. I just can''t figure out why I am reacting this way. This is just doing the same thing I have done for nearly two decades but never have I ever been so out of it by the time I finish my shift. I just dont get it. I honestly feel this job is killing me, yet I cant give it up. The money is too good.

I have been thinking so much lately about things I have no control over, a key part of my personality it seems. I don't understand (not that I should) why people are put in our lives then after we come to love them they are taken away. I don't get why life has to end. I know God has "His reasons" for things but frankly even though He is God, "I ain't buyin' it". As far as I am concerned, He has some BIG explaining to do for some of the things that I have seen people go through. Good people. People who have "played by the rules". People who did not deserve to be hurt or devastated. Yep. I said it. God owes me an explanation. If He is my father as I have always called him, then He would naturally want to explain things to me as his child. Good parents always want to be sure their kids understand the rhyme and reason of things. God knows me. He has to. I bug Him regularly. I talk to him almost 24/7. I am not a stranger. I know He hears me. He knows that even if He does not answer me, I am going to love Him. That is my duty as a child to her father. I just still dont get this life though. I would just like a couple of answers.

Even I myself have had some tough things to face but I won't go into that now. It is just that I don't understand. I probably never will and that is okay. It is just that all of this I think combines with my already tired state and makes it worse.

Just about a month ago, my brother-in-law, Wes, had a second heart attack. Not quite one year ago it was disovered he had a massively HUGE abdominal aortic aneurysm (8.9 cm) that was ready to rupture at any moment. It was discovered in time for him to have an endograft placed. I am so thankful he was saved. But here we are not one year later and another heart attack.

I feel time is running out for me with the few dear ones I have left and it is running at a record rate. I have always seen the glass half empty, not really an optimist at all. If there is one thing I am positive about it is that I am positive the future is going to be awful and that I am going to wind up alone with nobody..........
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