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Thoughts On A Hot Summer Evening

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Posted 07-23-2012 at 10:29 PM by caninemom3

It is late on a Monday evening and still quite warm out. Everyone is asleep except for me. That is pretty usual. I never seem to be able to sleep when everyone else is sleeping. I am tired and on the verge of a full blown migraine attack but no matter, for I am content for the moment.

Today I turned in my resignation to the transcription company I work for. This is the second time I have done so, but I am hoping the final time. I have only been with them since February of 2011 and it has been an outright nightmare from day one. Their dicators are the WORST I have ever heard in my life and that is not always because they are "foreign". Even their "regular American" dictators are quite bad. You would think after being a medical transcriptionist for 19 years I would be able to handle any dialect, even bad speaking American doctors, but that is not the case. Perhaps I am just not that good at my job. Whatever the reason, I am hoping to get back to enjoying what I do for a living instead of simply getting through day by day and dreading each day of work on top of that.

My self esteem is never very high. I think right now it is at one of the lowest points ever. Nearly three years ago (it would have been three years this December) I lost 40 pounds. I kept it off quite well until this April. After a while, I just simply get tired of low fat and healthy foods and I have to have the foods I really love in unlimited quantities. No matter how much I look into myself emotionally or try to divert my own attention away from doing this it doesn't work. I always in the end wind up binging for a number of months and gaining every ounce back. I have always had an "all or nothing" type of personality. I have tried to change myself but with no success.

I went off my diet in April and since then have gained an astonisihing 25 pounds. Mind, I was very underweight for almost the entire three years and now I guess I would be "normal" weight. I don't feel normal weight though. I feel like a "horse". When I look in the mirror what I see is not good. Of course, even when I am toothpick thin (90 pounds) I still see the same thing - Overweight and ugly. It isn't any fun to go through life being compared with looking like Carol Burnett - although I think she wears Carol Burnett quite well and is very pretty. In other words on her it looks good, on me not so much. My friends tell me I am "beautiful" on the inside. I appreciate that. I have always wanted to be beautiful on the outside too. I guess that is one of the reasons I love my Barbie dolls so much. This may sound crazy, but sometimes I tell them as I look at them in their cases that I wished I looked like them. It is my imagination I know but I could swear a couple of them seem quite sad when I say that. I admit sometimes when I look in the mirror, I ask God why He made me look like this. I guess He has His reasons.

My favorite companions have always been "animals". I put that in quotations because to me the true animals on this planet are human beings. I feel for people but at the same time have quite the misanthropic streak. Some of the most useless and cruel, hateful creatures I have ever met have been humans and some of the most loving and accepting have been fursouls. I never have to worry what my outside looks like around my canines and felines. They don't care !! They all look at me with hearts coming out of their eyes like I am really something special. I can be myself around them and they seem to love it. At least I have their unconditional love. Some people never have the kind of love my furkids give me.

I am going to have to do something about my weight again soon. When I get to a certain weight my asthma goes off the charts. It is already starting to head that way so I know the time is close.

Someday, at least the way I see it when this part of my existence is over, I will go where it is always Christmas, where there are fursouls who need looking after and will face the creator of all. In my mind's eye, His name is Aslan and He is the Lion of Judah. I will bow before Him and after if I am forgiven, I will throw my arms around his golden mane and feel once again an unconditional love and be at peace.......
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  1. Old Comment
    lilnoelelf's Avatar
    Oh Honey!!!

    I just read this and now i'm done my crying I can type. Louann your smart funny and beautiful Inside and out. I understand more than you know about what Ya see in the mirror. I suffer from the same thing to the point when folks tell me my children are beautiful and look like me I tell them "oh no they are too beautiful to look anything like me"

    you my friend are one of a kind and no matter what the line from "the help" sums you up "You is kind. You is smart. You is important!!!" Hugs and Love my dear friend I'm not the best with words but I hope you know you are LOVED!!!!
    Posted 08-01-2012 at 10:31 PM by lilnoelelf lilnoelelf is offline
  2. Old Comment
    aleighanne's Avatar
    Giving you a big virtual hug. I struggle with self esteem issues too.
    Posted 09-14-2012 at 06:08 PM by aleighanne aleighanne is offline
 

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