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Self Esteem

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Posted 02-01-2013 at 10:02 PM by caninemom3
Updated 02-01-2013 at 11:22 PM by caninemom3

In the last 58 years I have learned many things: Money is not everything (though I have never had money), time goes faster with each year, loved ones are precious and can be gone in an instant as well as health, giving is more important than receiving. The one thing I have not even begun to fathom is how to love myself.

When I was a young girl I was bullied by other kids who made fun of me for my looks as well as my lack of ability to be able to dress in the most up to date fashions. I was extremely backward and shy and timid. When I looked in the mirror in those days what I saw was not a person of worth for a mirror can only reflect the external to an extent.

As I have gotten older the situation was not helped when I began working at one of the local hospitals in the medical records department as a transcriptionist. My supervisor was a pretty lady with blonde hair and incredibly long fingernails (how DID she type with those nails ?) who was also a minister's wife and who sported a very, very mean and nasty propensity for picking on someone or something in order to alleviate her frustrations. Unfortunately that someone was ME. Some days when I went in to work she was fine. Friendly and pleasant and very likeable. Other days when everyone had gone to supper and it was just she and I she put forth her venom into my soul. She said things about me in such a derogatory way that they frequently sent me to the ladies room in tears.

I have internalized all of these remarks as well as the remarks and treatment I received when I was but a child. It is hard not to internalize them. I feel so for kids who are bullied, having been there myself.

When I look in the mirror now I see an aging person with somewhat of an overbite with somewhat bad skin and looking much older than she should for chronological age. This person looks so, so tired and I do not mean for lack of sleep, though I am sure that is a factor. The person I see has been beaten down, chewed up and spit out again and again and again as have most people. The difference is how we all deal with adversity. And life continues on.

How do we learn to love ourselves ?? How ?? It has been said that if we do not love ourselves we cannot hope to love others. I take exception to this. There is no living person I have greater love for than my dear sister. I also have a great love for my dearest friends in the whole world whom I have known some 40+ years. I also have a deep feeling for my Christmas family here on MMC, yet there remains no great love of ME. I allow myself to be the "victim" simply because I do not know how to make it stop. I diet and diet and diet until I am rail thin with an inside feeling somewhere that if I am thin enough I will somehow be beautiful on the outside AND inside. Of course, this is not the outcome.

Where do I go from here. A very wise and wonderful friend here on MMC has given me opinions that I completely agree with which is one thing, however, implementing them is another. Change is hard, in my case nearly IMPOSSIBLE. I can still hear my mother saying "I am gonna have to starch your backbone !!" My mother was a small lady barely weighing 90 pounds, half Native American, and full of about 1000 pounds of attitude. You did not mess with my mother. We were very, very close, my mother and I and there are times now when my dearest wish is to sit with her face to face and tell her about my life as it has been since she left and how it is now. I know if I could sit and talk to Susy, change would definitely be not only on the horizon but bursting forth like Spring flowers in all areas of my life. So I go on as before.

I have always believed in God. I have been shaky at times and continue that way off and on but still I always come back to knowing somewhere deep inside, someplace no person has ever been, that YES !! there is a creator and He is my Father and He loves me more than anything. I turn the situations in my life over to him again and again and again. I think though that He wants ME to do something, not to rely on just Him. When the time is right, He WILL show me what that change is.

Until then I will live as best as I can trying to remember all the valuable things I have learned to this point, still loathing myself but loving others and I will pray this prayer:

[B]My God, I believe in You; strengthen my faith. All my hopes are in You; secure them. I love You; teach me to love you daily more and more. I am sorry that I [/B]
[B]have offended You; increase my sorrow. [/B]

[B]I adore you as the Author of my first beginning. I aspire after you as my last end. I give you thanks as my constant Benefactor, I call upon you as my [/B]
[B]sovereign Protector.[/B]

[B]My God, be pleased to conduct me by your wisdom; to restrain me by the thought of Your justice; to comfort me by Your [/B]
[B]mercy; to defend me by Your power.[/B]

[B]To You I desire to consecrate all my thoughts, words, deeds, and suffering, that henceforth I may think of you, speak of you, refer all my actions to You greater glory, and suffer willingly whatever You shall appoint.[/B]

[B]Lord, I desire that in all things Your Will be done, because it is Your Will, and I desire that all things be done in the manner that You will them. [/B]

[B]Grant that I may always esteem whatsoever is pleasing to You, despise what You abhor, avoid what You forbid, and do what you command.[/B]

[B]I beg You to enlighten my understanding, to inflame my will, to purify my body, and to sanctify my soul.[/B]

[B]My God, give me strength to atone for my sins, to overcome my temptations, to subdue my passions, and to acquire the virtues proper to my state of life.[/B]

[B]Fill my heart with tender affection for Your goodness, hatred of my faults, love of my neighbor, and contempt of the world. May Your grace help me to be obedient to my superiors, kind and courteous to my inferiors, faithful to my friends, and charitable to my enemies.[/B]

[B]Assist me to overcome sensuality by self-sacrifice, avarice by almsdeeds, anger by meekness, and carelessness by devotion.My God, make me prudent in my undertakings, courageous in danger, patient in trials, and humble in success.[/B]

[B]Grant that I may be ever attentive at my prayers, temperate at my meals, diligent in my work, and faithful in my good resolutions.[/B]

[B]Let my conscience be ever upright and pure, my behavior modest, my conversation kind, and my actions edifying.[/B]

[B]Assist me that I may continually strive to overcome the evil inclinations of my nature, to cooperate with Your grace, to keep Your commandments, and to work out my salvation.[/B]

[B]My God, make me realize the nothingness of this world, the greatness of heaven, the shortness of time, and the length of eternity.[/B]

[B]Grant that I may prepare for death; that I may fear Your judgment; that I may escape hell and in the end obtain heaven. [/B]

[B]Through Christ our Lord. Amen.[/B]

In time I believe I will learn to accept and love ME. It will not take an army, nor an entire psychiatric team, nor any medication or anything else this world can offer. It will only take realizing the love the Gentle Shepherd from Nazareth and others have for me and allowing myself accept such a precious gift.
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  1. Old Comment
    Christmas-A-Holic's Avatar
    Keep your head up high and trust in God! That is the right attitude!

    Great blog! (((Hugs)))
    Posted 02-02-2013 at 06:59 AM by Christmas-A-Holic Christmas-A-Holic is online now
  2. Old Comment
    Christmasstar's Avatar
    Posted 02-02-2013 at 07:23 AM by Christmasstar Christmasstar is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Seawaters's Avatar
    I know this was spoken from your heart. When I saw the title "Self Esteem" on the forum home page, I IMMEDIATELY thought of you and wanted to see if a wise person had written something that would speak to your heart. I found out that a wise person did write that something. I loved the comment about your mom weighing less than 100 pounds but having 1000 pounds of attitude. I laughed out loud! We each have gifts. Respect what God has given you! I am going to share about a book I am reading right now in my next post on the Countdown. I think you will like it!
    Posted 02-02-2013 at 10:33 AM by Seawaters Seawaters is offline
  4. Old Comment
    MerryCarey's Avatar
    If I could bestow a gift to you, it would be this: that you could see yourself through the eyes of your MMC friends. Think of George Bailey, and remember truthfully what you have given to others in kindness, and allow yourself the same gifts of kindness.
    Posted 02-02-2013 at 11:56 AM by MerryCarey MerryCarey is offline

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