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Are You Talkin' To Me ?

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Posted 02-08-2013 at 08:55 PM by caninemom3
Updated 03-02-2013 at 08:24 PM by caninemom3

It has been a long and difficult day. I am tired. I awoke at 5 a.m. as is my custom every day to give my furkids breakfast and Wishbone his medicine. I have a few tasks to do each morning as part of my routine then usually at 6 or 6:30 a.m. I begin my job. With a little luck there are days when everything goes just right, the dictations are plentiful with lines and the dictators are easy to understand. On those days I tend to finish early, say in about 5 or 6 hours. I wish every day could be like that.

I was feeling really good having had one of those good days I just mentioned when my husband informed me he had heard one of the club owners where his band used to play had passed away. This impacted me in an extreme way that I did not expect. I seem to be going through a period of great anxiety right now about death. Midlife crisis perhaps ? I don't know. I have had these crises off and on for many years. Of course, they seem to be occurring more frequently now that I am getting closer to being a senior citizen. I am scared of death. Why would someone who says they are a Christian be afraid ? More significantly, I am TERRIFIED that I will lose my sister before I leave this world and that I could not bear. When I heard Gary died, I was so sad but I must confess just a little of it was for Gary. The very first thing that came into my mind was what if it were my sister and why do we have to die ?? The good mood I was in subsequently flew right out the window into the cold Winter air.

Gary was a nice man and still relatively young at 62, well at least young from my standpoint.
The one thing about him that I did not like was that Gary LOVED to yell. If you ticked him off you knew about it but good. I had the misfortune of doing such shortly after I met him.

My father was a yeller and I hated that too. I cannot stand being yelled at. My present husband yells CONSTANTLY, either at me, the furkids or whatever sets off his "hair trigger" anger. He can be the nicest guy in the world, playing with one of the pups and then five seconds (if that long) later fly into a verbal yelling rant because he got scratched. It takes nothing for him to get angry and start yelling. In fact he is a regular Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality. He gets up in the morning ticked off and goes to bed that way every day of his life. People would never know, do not know what he is really like. Needless to say I hate it.

I used to walk on egg shells sometimes because I didn't want to be yelled at. I have stopped the egg shell bit and now either calmly tell him to quit the yelling or I say nothing and go quietly to my room, not engaging him. If he is not going to show respect for me I am not going to lower myself to his level and join in a screaming match.

Why do people yell, anyway ?? I am not deaf. I hear very clearly and I am not entirely unintelligent. I DO understand the words being said WITHOUT yelling. I just do not understand the need to be so disrespectful to another by raising one's voice. I understand everyone has flares of temper but not 52 blue billion times a day.

I have been doing much thinking in the last few months. My husband nearly ruined Christmas with his "hair trigger" temper and yelling fits. Even after I tried to explain how it made me feel it did not stop. I saw all the warning signs about this relationship before we were married and chose to cast a blind eye, which I was wrong to do.

There are just times when I wish I could morph into Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver and go into the "You talkin' to me ?" dialog he delivered. Wouldn't that be a surprise, especially the Mohawk !

In all reality I do know I am getting plenty tired of all the anger and yelling and the roller coaster from good mood to bad mood umteen times per day on top of the alcoholism. I have been reading many articles and also listening to opinions of some of my fellow MMC family and giving deep thought to all. It is a serious thing to contemplate such a change and an impossible one if one has nowhere else to go. This was MY house before we married and more importantly it was DAVID's.

I actually do believe I AM a person of worth. If I were NOT here, my husband couldn't even pay the bills as that is my duty and I do quite a few on line payments. He doesn't have a clue how to do it. It is not rocket science. He simply doesn't want to take the time to learn how to do it. I take care of my furkids, I work at what some believe to be an easy job but the reality of it is that it can be a very extremely difficult job especially after sittiing a few hours trying to understand what is supposed to be the spoken word in English.

I have a pretty good vocabulary and I try to be sensitive to others' feelings. I am also a survivor of many losses. So all in all, what I manage to accomplish is not bad for someone who once thought she was the weakest member of her family.

I am going to continue praying to my Father in heaven and asking Mary and my MMC family to intercede for me so that I may be shown the way. I believe there is an oriental philosphy which I paraphrase into "The best action is the least action." That is the road I must travel for now......
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