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Within The Depths

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Posted 02-27-2013 at 08:50 PM by caninemom3

It is late afternoon on a Wednesday. I am finished working for the day. It is cool and seasonably chilly but I am sitting beside my fireplace with a peaceful and Christmassy blaze giving its warmth to all that is near. I am troubled.

There is something inherently troubling me deep within my soul and I don't know what it is. It always manifests itself in food binging. Food comforts it. Makes it "go away." Why do I do this ? I have asked myself this question for decades. Why do I go off a sensible, healthy eating regimen to stuff myself with food that is unhealthy ? I have no control over this food "obsession." It controls me. I have tried so many different ways to combat it. I have tried just plain dieting, not dieting, only eating when really hungry, behavior modification, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, calorie counting, exercising, Overeater's Anonymous, hypnosis, all to no avail.

Why do I have this urge, this compulsion to binge ?? What is it that makes me do it and why does food comfort it ? I have tried and tried to get to the bottom of this and I still don't know. Perhaps part of the reason is because food never asks questions, never yells, never demands anything, it just gives. It gives nutrition to my body, it gives emotional comfort and support when I am down, it gives rewards when I have done something deserving, it even "hugs" in its own way.

I am getting ready at the end of April to go back once again to Jenny Craig. With their diet I had the longest success - I kept weight off for over three years at one time. At the end of that time, I was tired of the weight maintenance and tired of not being able to eat liberally, tired of not being able to sedate myself by turning to my "best buddy", food. So, I quit and gained it all back and that is the way it has always gone.

I can take all the hot baths, walks, distract myself to high heaven, yadda, yadda, yadda and I STILL wind up binging.

I just really wish I could understand what is driving me. What in the deepest depths of my being could it be ??
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