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19 Years And Counting........

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Posted 10-31-2011 at 12:32 AM by caninemom3

I remember it as though it were yesterday. It was Fall, just after Halloween. The air had a kind of Autumn/burning leaf smell when you went outside. It had been raining that day. Early in the morning my husband, David, had called to say he would be late and just wanted to tell me he loved me as I was returning back to work at Rite Aid that day and we would miss each other in passing. He had worked nights and was really tired. More tired than normal, I thought. We had been married for 20 years. I met David when I was 16 and I married him when I was 17, almost 18. He was a mere 20 and turned 21 the year we got married.

We were exact soul mates for one another. We loved the same books, the same movies, and we could talk for hours on end which we did regularly. David always tried to tell me I was just as smart as he but I always knew better.

That Fall morning after I spoke to David I got up and got my shower and went on my way to Rite Aid. It was not going to be a long shift, just until 2:00 p.m.

As I got in my car on that November 2 morning and was going down the road, I flashed very quickly on something.

Was it a premonition ?? Was it a vision ?? I don't know. I just know that within it was the encompassment of dread and grief. I dismissed it as simply anxiety of not wanting to go back to work after being off for a week.

I went on to work, went through my shift with no problem and then at 2:00 p.m. I headed home. I knew I would have to be very quiet as David would be sleeping after night shift. It was raining.

I pulled in the drive and noticed as I got out of the car that our three dogs, Jonesy, Rhuffles and Abercrombie were in the back yard near the fence. I thought that was very odd. David would never leave them out in the rain. I decided he must have awakened briefly and was just letting them go out for a moment. Good, I thought, I will be able to talk to him and visit for just a moment.

As I came into the house, I felt it. There was something else in the house that hung on every step I took, every piece of furniture, in every nook I happened to glance. There was a note on the TV from David telling me that our kitty who was very ill and had to see the vet every day for an injection of liquids as he was dying had already been to see his doctor that morning.

I decided to go on down the hall into the bedroom to see if maybe David was awake.

I was not ready for what met my eyes. There on the floor of the bedroom was my David. There was a pool about his head. His eyes were open and he had a tear running down one cheek.

From the tips of my toes all the way up to the top of my head panic spread. I nudged him hoping that perhaps he had just fallen and somehow knocked himself out even though his eyes were open. I called 911 and I don't really remember what I told the dispatcher but I must have told her that I needed medical and police.

I couldn't breath. The air was gone from my body. "This can't be happening...This can't be happening......Oh God This CANT BE HAPPENING..." I said over and over again. I called my sister at work and told her. She began to stutter, something she has never done. She told me she would be here as quickly as she could. I called my friends Paul and Susan and luckily I got hold of them. They too were on their way. I also called my only remaining brother Julius and he also was on his way.

It seemed an eternity before anyone arrived. Looking back on that day in actuality it was just a few minutes before everyone arrived. Two of the men David worked with, his supervisor and another man who was a good friend arrived.

The coroner and his team also arrived. They were in the bedroom for what seemed hours. They made me go elsewhere and had everyone distract me - They didn't want me to see David being taken out. It was all over in a matter of two hours. Then I realized what had happened. David took his own life. He was gone. Forever.

Here I am 19 years later. The grief and sadness and even horror of that day have not lessend. When I go into the bedroom even though it is completely different as far as furnishings I see him sometimes. I still see him lying there. I see that horrible pool around him. I see that tear on his cheek.

I haven't been the same since David left. I am not even half the person I was. In those days I was like a spoiled little kid since we had no human children. David doted on me and spoiled me terribly. I don't miss the spoiling as much as I miss HIM. His wit, his charm, his kidness, his empathy for others, his extreme intelligence. I miss all of those things.

I went on to business school after David passed and became a medical transcriptionist. I still talk to David and there have been some very, very odd occurrences in this in the last 19 years. Is he proud of me ? I hope so. Does he know what I have tried to accomplish since he has been gone ?

I know the one thing I will never accomplish is being happy again. If it were not for the beauty and hope of Christmas, my Nani, and all my Christmas family on MMC, I would have nothing left in life at all. Blessings my dear David. As always, I miss you xo
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  1. Old Comment
    lilnoelelf's Avatar
    My Dear friend,

    I'm in tears right now. I am so so so very sorry for your loss and pain. I know this pain all too well. I lost someone so very dear to me the same way and to this day I still have his number, messanger and everything and its been 6 years now.Words right now can't even begin to touch what I want to say to you my friend. if you need to reach me I'm here no matter what the time or anything. GOD bless you, and thank you for sharing something I know had to be hard to share. big huge hugs
    Posted 10-31-2011 at 03:38 AM by lilnoelelf lilnoelelf is offline
  2. Old Comment
    gabulldawg's Avatar
    Speechless...sorry for your loss does not begin to say what I feel when reading this...but just know your loved here cm3!!!
    Posted 10-31-2011 at 04:26 AM by gabulldawg gabulldawg is online now
  3. Old Comment
    Jeff Westover's Avatar
    Wow. Words fail. I do know this, having been closer to suicide than anyone would care to be -- don't judge him.

    Whatever his demons we can't know how he suffered and say whether or not we understand.

    Love is what likely brought you two together and love will see you through it to eventual understanding.

    I keep pondering on those weird occurences that you mention since his passing. I believe the other side is so very close and there is no doubt in my mind that our loved ones are there and want to communicate. He has to know your feelings, your concern and your longing, Caniniemom3. He has to know.

    And someday you will be able to talk...and to understand.

    How lucky we are to have you amongst us. We learn so much, even when such shared experiences are full of heartbreak and sadness. Perhaps more so, I suppose.

    This blog post moved me and it makes me wish I had the words to convey the right things. I just know there are answers for you out there and someday you will have them.
    Posted 10-31-2011 at 06:18 AM by Jeff Westover Jeff Westover is online now
  4. Old Comment
    MerryCarey's Avatar
    I have no words that would help ... but consider yourself hugged very tightly.
    Posted 10-31-2011 at 08:18 AM by MerryCarey MerryCarey is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Rob's Avatar
    Dear LouAnn,

    Once again you have brought tears to my eyes and heart. I remember your post from long ago, and the same thing. I can begin to know how that was to see, but also feel in your heart and soul. The feeling of being lost, scared, and just totally disconnected is a bit familiar with me. Please know God knows your heart, and sees all the hurt. Sometimes he feels so far away, but he is really closer than we think. I pray he hears your prayers and will slowly start to work, bringing about positive change. I know David is smiling at you, as well as other family members. You are going to make it, and be stronger in spite of all things negitive.

    Posted 11-01-2011 at 12:04 PM by Rob Rob is offline
  6. Old Comment
    merrymistletoe's Avatar
    cm3 my thoughts & prayers are with you right now. can't begin to imagine.
    although we've never met my heart is breaking with yours. your friend in christ.
    Posted 11-02-2011 at 02:19 PM by merrymistletoe merrymistletoe is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Holiday's Avatar
    Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers today! So tragic! Sending you hugs (((Caninemom3)))
    Posted 11-02-2011 at 02:23 PM by Holiday Holiday is offline
  8. Old Comment
    sugar142286's Avatar
    Words can't even explain what I'm even feeling right now as I read this blog. My heart breaks for you, Louanne. Know that my prayers and thoughts are going out to you. I'm sure it was so hard for you to write this. Thank you for sharing. Here is the biggest (((CM3))) ever! XoXo!
    Posted 11-03-2011 at 04:51 PM by sugar142286 sugar142286 is offline
  9. Old Comment
    lauriebear's Avatar
    CM3 ((((((((((HUGS))))))))
    So sorry my friend, I wish I had been there for you.
    Posted 11-17-2011 at 12:25 PM by lauriebear lauriebear is offline

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