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Take Good Care of My Baby

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Posted 05-06-2012 at 09:16 PM by caninemom3
Updated 05-07-2012 at 06:05 AM by caninemom3

There are many changes in life happy and sad. Despite all the changes through the years the one constant I always had was my belief and faith in God. Until now. It is hard for me to believe that it was just Good Friday when I wrote an entry to Jesus in my blog here on MMC. Here I am today with a completly changed perception of everything.

I have drifted from faith and believing right into agnosticism, that is I simply do not know. I am not knocking anyone else who is firm in their faith, I am not trying to promote atheism or even to proselytize being an agnostic. For me the only thing that half way works right now is to say I don't know if any of it is true. I don't know if there is God or Christ or anything.

From my perception I do know that for the most part (for who knows how long) when I have prayed I have felt nothing but emptiness echoing my words. No presence hearing me, no love coming back. I know people can think God is supposed to answer in a certain way and I also know that some people say God always answers prays and sometimes He says "No". I have had no preconceived notion of what an answer might be and yet still notning. For right at this moment in my life my belief is gone or at least on hold. And I am not going to pretend that all is fine. If God is there it would be a disservice to him to say I believe in something I so firmly doubt.

I look around me and I see so many people here on the site having such a difficult time. My good friend Christmas-A-Holic just lost her uncle, just like that. MerryCarey's
father-in-law is suffering with terminal cancer. A very dear friend of our own Jeff Westover's has been diagnosed with cancer returning and he is still just a young man and there are so many others.

And though this may seem trivial, our Chihuahua of 13 years, Ivy, had to be put to sleep on April 27 after suffering very badly for nearly two weeks. For Ivy the song title "Take Good Care of My Baby" came into my head before agnosticism became my course. If there is God, please take care of Ivy and all who have entered into your presence.

There are a lot of "explanations" I realize for all of these things happening. The most logical one and not necessarily the correct one to me is that I am praying to nothing. If I am not praying to nothing, then God is either
A) Deaf, B) Cruel, C) Uncaring or D) All of the above.

Loss has finally taken its toll on me. We all have loss. Many, Many folks have more devastating loss than I could even imagine and yet they go on believing. At this point I can't. I just can't. I figure if He IS there, God will find a way to tell me...........and If He is all knowing, all loving He will welcome me with open arms but until that day when or if it becomes apparent...I will go about my business as best I can......
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  1. Old Comment
    Bradmac's Avatar
    Suffering and loss can make even the most devout among us question their faith. I know there have been times that I have doubted, and even been angry with God. I think it's a natural reaction to disappointments and losses in life. One particularly traumatic instance was my father's passing just a few weeks before I gave my brother a kidney. My brother was in bad shape, and the dialysis wasn't working well anymore. Then, just before the surgery, daddy was suddenly taken from us. Our mama was a wreck between the loss and the worry over us. I couldn't believe it.

    But I've also seen and experienced many things that have bolstered my faith. When daddy first told us he had cancer, the doctors said it was stage 4 with a doubtful outcome. I was devastated. I went home and prayed harder than I ever had in my life. Please, please, I know it has to happen sooner or later, but please, please, please, give me just a little more time with him. Within a hour, the doctor called back apologizing. He said he must've read the results wrong, because it was stage 1 and very treatable. We had another year with him.

    Please don't think I'm trying to minimized the difficulties in your life. There have been plenty of time I've prayed for things that I didn't get. Everyone has sadness that is very personal and important in their lives. I'm praying for peace and happiness in your life.

    Take care, Louanne.
    Posted 05-07-2012 at 07:17 AM by Bradmac Bradmac is online now
  2. Old Comment
    Jeff Westover's Avatar
    I think what you're feeling is only natural, Louanne. At one time or another we all feel so burdened that we fight the same feelings.

    I wish I had easy answers for you. I don't.

    In fact, it almost seems a theme of this whole period in our lives of late. Suffering -- and compared to other parts of the world I still say we as Americans likely don't know what real suffering is -- is all around us.

    But here is my question: is faith something we practice only when things are right? Is the hand of God absent in all things?

    I can't speak for you or for what you're going through. But I can tell you the trials we have endured here over the past year have only further cemented my belief that there is a God and He loves us.

    I am reminded of that saying that we not human beings having a spiritual experience but rather spiritual beings having a human experience.

    I believe God loves us enough to allow us to falter, to experience pain as well as joy, love as well other emotions...because in contrast, in opposition in all things, we learn and grow in knowledge, in ability....and in love.

    I think of you often, Louanne, especially when I suffer a loss. I know that when I tell you what I am feeling you'll understand. You've been there. You know how it feels. I depend upon friends like you because your heart doesn't condone suffering and wants only to heal.

    Now I ask you...when those moments of despair hit me...does my consolation come from God exclusively or perhaps through one of His creations? The hand of God manifests itself in many, many ways and most, I say, are either unexpected or less obvious.

    God is working in your life, Louanne. I see it in how you treat others. He is aware of your heart and of your needs.

    Perhaps it is when we're not feeling blessed that we need to count our blessings the most. You'll find, if you're honest, that God has been more present for you than you now realize.
    Posted 05-07-2012 at 11:14 AM by Jeff Westover Jeff Westover is offline
  3. Old Comment
    xmas365's Avatar
    Louann,

    As someone who was raised in a Christian household, yet I am not very religious at all now, I truly do believe in God. What you are feeling is normal, I felt it when I was 16 years old and lost my mother, and the other hardships in my young life. God is there, he is listening, and sometimes we need to be "on our own" to find our way. I have asked God for "signs" in my life, and the biggest one was when I met my wife, I was dating another girl at the time, I asked God for a sign of why my wife was brought into my life at that time, I walked into my uncles garage, and there was a literal sign in French no less with my wife's last name right in front of me. If I ignored that where would I be now? Louann, take your time and think of what you need to think about, God will be there, he works in mysterious ways, and we will be here to listen to you also. Louann, I have always admired your faith, sometimes I wish I could be more like you.
    Your friend,
    Ron
    Posted 05-07-2012 at 07:05 PM by xmas365 xmas365 is offline
 



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