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A Letter To Susy

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Posted 07-10-2010 at 01:11 PM by caninemom3
Tags mom

Dear Susy,

First of all, let me change that to Dear Mom. Everyone called you Susy but not me. You were my mother and I called you mom. I want to talk to you and this is the one way I can do that. I want to thank you. You did so much for me, for all of us but you and I were like sisters rather than mom and daughter. As you know, I have always been a little timid around others but as I long as I can remember you were always there with me encouraging me and telling me how wonderful I was. Telling me that I could do whatever I wanted. When the kids began to make fun of me in Junior High because they said I was ugly and a freak you always came to my aid. You said it was because they were just jealous of me, little did I know you said that because you loved me so much and not necessarily because it was true but nevertheless what you said helped me. You always had time for me. You made time when I was sick, anxious, scared, depressed, angry, happy or whatever. You were tireless in making sure I was okay. I can remember you and I spending lots and lots of time together when I was little as I was the "baby" when it would just be you and me. Dad used to work double shifts at the steel mill a lot when I was a kid and you and I would have a grand old time. We would make whatever we wanted to eat and watch whatever we wanted on TV. Perfect Summer evenings and perfect company. You were ALWAYS there for me. I don't think you ever thought of yourself. When I married at 17, you did not fight it as I was going to be 18 that year anyway, but you still had motherly or should I say, Susily advice for me. I always relied on that advice as it was so wise. I know how scared you were for me when David got shipped to Germany and I had to follow. I was just a green kid who had never been out of the States let alone that far away in another country. You braved it out and saw me off at the airport. I did not want to let you go.....but I had to. It wasn't long though before all the pressures of being a wife and that far away (along with 1960s pharmaceuticals I took that you didn't know about) began to cause problems. I had a nervous breakdown in Germany. I did not know what I was going to do but you and pop (as I liked to call dad) actually FELT there was something wrong with your youngest and made arrangements to bring me home. As it turned out as you remember, I was admitted to a hospital and I wound up needing shock treatments to bring me back sort of and was not allowed to see you for 3 whole days as I remember after being admitted. No matter, while those 3 days passed, as you knew how crazy I was about Christmas you memorized "The Night Before Christmas" for you could recite it to me after I got out. You knew it would make me smile. You must have read that poem to me a million times when I was a kid..I still have the Book Of Knowledge you actually read it from which also has a lot of other Christmas stories and poetry in it. From the start of my life you taught me about Christmas and what it REALLY means and also about animals and how we are to regard them as special children of God also. I could go on and on talkiing to you mom. I wish you were here in person to speak to. I was terrified of thunderstorms as a young girl and even though I was married at the time, if there was a bad storm and if I was alone, you would pop across town to make sure I was all right even though you yourself were out in the storm.

When my brother, Andy, drowned at the age of 31 in 1977 I am hoping perhaps I brought you comfort. I did not know what to do for you or pop or any of us but for once I tried to be the comforter. I hope it helped some. I guess we all helped one another through that one.

The hardest thing for me, mom, was seeing you get old and sick. I did not want you in a nursing home but that is where you wound up. Still, you kept your humor. You took me aside at one visit and told me "that night nurse is jive......" I am not sure what you meant but it did make me laugh. You did not think you were a resident. As you told me then, you were just there "helping take care of the old sick people......" In 1998 after starting as a transcriptionist at Massillon Hospital, I got a call very early in the morning saying that you had fallen and broken your hip. I got to the hospital immediately and I am so glad I did. Later that same day you slipped into a coma never to return. How could I ever go on without you ?? I miss you so much, I can't even tell you how much. You were so much fun !! Your favorite band until the time you passed was The Rolling Stones. You never seemed to realize you were in your 80s. I did not do half the things for you that you did for me and yet you always loved me. I don't know how to thank you, mom. Like the time when pop was having a particularly bad bout with drinking and thought he had you under his thumb. Boy was he wrong. You got a job AND your driver's license after having been an at home mom for decades. You supplied me with all the things that he would not during that period and once again I was amazed at you. You also gained a new sense of independence for yourself. There were times at the nursing home when you were "pleasantly confused" and you would call me.......thinking I was a kid again. I would hear your voice saying....."Punkin' did you make it home from school okay..?" I would give ANYTHING for one of those calls today. Even in your final moments mom, it was as though you were protecting me. In the ICU you began to flat line.......I couldn't stand it so I went over and touched your shoulder, did you know I was there ?? You must have because your vitals all came back to normal again........After waiting an hour all of us decided to just come back here to refresh and then we were going to come back to the hospital. By the time I got in the door from the hospital they were calling saying to come back because you were going. It was as though you knew I could not stand it and waited for me to leave before you passed..I have been skipping around a lot in this letter, mom. I can never measure up to you. You are my hero. Always were. As in the end of a movie called The Sixth Sense, one of the leading characters wonders if she made her mother proud. She gets to hear the answer from her little boy who has talked to his grandma and the answer was "yes, every day." I can only hope I make you proud mama. People who are still here who knew you say I am very like you. I hope I am and I hope somehow I have made you proud. I love you much and will always and forever be your punkin'. xo
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  1. Old Comment
    ChristmasHeart's Avatar
    Oh my, Caninemom3! How do I post a "reputation" on this one (over and over again)! Your "letter" touched my heart. It sounds as though you had an AMAZING Mom...and I'm so sorry she is no longer with you - but I can see you hold her in your heart!

    Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You have had quite a life and a lot of triumphs! Keep going' girl!

    Oh...and I think your mom was right...the other kids were only jealous - because what I can are a remarkable and beautiful woman!
    Posted 07-10-2010 at 01:24 PM by ChristmasHeart ChristmasHeart is offline

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