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A blog of self pity and doubt

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Posted 08-28-2010 at 09:24 AM by caninemom3
Tags marriage

This is not going to be a particularly happy or Christmassy blog. I guess I want all of you to know the true me because I think of all of you as friends. I am not sure why I feel it necessary to share some of this with you but I feel honesty is one of the utmost important things in life and I have the sense that I carry out a bit of a charade at times. I have some things to talk about today that may not be the most uplifting. I am depressed. I am usually always this way but I have learned to still function anyway. I must. I am extremely blessed in that I have my health, my freedom, my sister, my furchildren, a home to live in, enough food to eat but most important of all, I have Christ and I know He above all understands and is here. But I am still quite sad a lot of the time. I try to be upbeat on the forums but I suspect a bit of the "true" me creeps out sometimes. For that, I am sorry. My oldest goddaughter likens me to Eeyore and I agree. That sad little blue donkey is defiinitely inside and, like Eeyore, I can't find my tail either. Eeyore and I tend to both be real "downers" at times. Of course, her solution is just move on and live by myself and etc. etc. Ah......youth. Wouldn't it be great if when things were not right we would be able to move on just like that in an instant ?? Unfortunately what I have learned in growing older is that in the real world there are things like health insurance and being fiscally fit before such a move should be attempted.

Perhaps it is self pity, I don't know. Were it not for Christ, my sister and my dear wonderful furchildren, I might suffer the same fate as my first husband if I were that brave. To be very brutally honest while trying not to air all my "dirty laundry", my second marriage is a mistake. He IS a good man. We are simply incompatible, like water mixing with oil. Relationships are so terribly difficult to begin with and the statistics surrounding second marriages surviving are quite grim. We have been married 16 years and for 16 years I have known the truth. In retrorospect, I think we each married at a time when we were both very needy. I, having just experienced suicide. He, having gone through being emotionally beaten up by his ex-wife and having 2 children, ages 6 and 9 at the time to care for and also having quite the large dependence on alcohol. I have not been successful in getting close to the 2 kids, Kristin and DJ and I blame myself somewhat. After all up to the point when I met them the only chidren I had experience with were the ones who walk on all fours and sport fur coats 24/7. As weird as it sounds, I am not particularly close to my second husband either. We are there for each other for support when something goes wrong or if one of us needs help with something like good friends but a closeness is not there nor has it ever been.

Okay. Now you know somewhat about me. That being said, it is nearly Fall. I am so EXCITED about that !! I just can't wait to see the trees turning color and those frosty, crisp and clear Fall mornings when I am not working on Fridays and Saturdays. The Hallmark Ornament premiere for October is just around the corner and I am hoping to attend that with my sister. Then there is Thanksgiving !!! Decorating the tree Thanksgiving morning gives me goosebumps as I think about it !!! And Christmas. The happiest time of the year for me. The rest of the year is just kind of one day turning into another but at Christmas it is different. It is pure and simple MAGIC !!!

I must document how much MMC has helped. Posting and reaching out to others is always much better than isolation and to reach out to other "Christmas nuts" like myself has helped in an amazing way. I cannot ever thank all of you enough. In an odd way, I think I was meant to come to this site. I think God does indeed work in mysterious ways and I must say I am much happier since I have been acquainted with MMC than before it was part of my days.

I tend to talk to God a lot. I trust Him. I turn the situations in my life over to him and I believe in His time if He thinks it is meant to be things will change and I know that part of my life at least is on the correct track. Perhaps there will be an epiphany or some sort of metamorphosis brought about by the King of Kings Himself. Those two in themselves give me hope.
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  1. Old Comment
    ChristmasHeart's Avatar
    God bless you, CM! Thank you for your honesty here. I truly admire that, my dear! My heart goes out to you and I really wish I could make your sadness go away. know WHO can - and it looks like you do turn to God! You do have so many blessings in your sister and furchildren...and we all love you here! You are a blessing to me, I have to let you know. Seeing how you reach out to others on MMC...befriend people...brigthen up their day (and you always brighten mine)! Hey...all I have to do is go to "Its not who's first" thread...and I KNOW I will get such a giggle out of your posts! I have to thank you for putting so many smiles on my face and a warm feeling in my heart - on a daily basis! My only hope is that I can return a smile...a giggle...and a soft and happy feeling to you as well. From Sugar Shortbread Cookie...GINOURMOUS (((((((HUGS)))))))!!! xo
    Posted 08-28-2010 at 10:25 AM by ChristmasHeart ChristmasHeart is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Christmas-A-Holic's Avatar
    May God bless you each and every day. It's a hard complicated road to go down when you are depressed and I am sorry you have to go through this. I pray that you get better! Lots of hugs sent your way!
    Posted 08-28-2010 at 12:59 PM by Christmas-A-Holic Christmas-A-Holic is online now
  3. Old Comment
    rodmonster's Avatar


    Posted 08-28-2010 at 02:54 PM by rodmonster rodmonster is offline
  4. Old Comment
    CharlestonNole's Avatar
    CM3, hang in there. You've got friends, or rather family here at MMC. People you can talk to and celebrate with. I am sorry for your struggles and hope and pray that everything gets better for you. We're glad ur here!!!!
    Posted 08-28-2010 at 07:38 PM by CharlestonNole CharlestonNole is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Hey CM,

    I think the others here said it best, and I'm just putting my voice in to say I feel the same: I'm glad you're here.

    As for Eeyore, I hope you don't feel alone in that respect. I think everyone walks the line between bright or blue, and our ability to stay sunny side up changes with the circumstances and seasons in life.

    But that's key, isn't it? We move through seasons. We're constantly in motion. Life changes. Bad day? Hold on a bit. The next one may be better. Feeling bleak? Well, one of the delicious mysteries of this life is that you can't see past the moment. You never know when God will place something beautiful and unexpected in your path.

    Keep the faith, CM. And when you're down, never give up hope. Because that brighter day--your sunny side up--if it isn't here now, it's on the horizon. But you have to keep pressing on to meet it there.

    Faith, hope and love. It's evident you have all these gifts in abundance.

    Thank you for choosing to share your gifts with us.
    Posted 08-28-2010 at 11:24 PM by jimmyolsen jimmyolsen is offline
  6. Old Comment
    RadioJonD's Avatar
    Posted 08-29-2010 at 04:06 AM by RadioJonD RadioJonD is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Adam's Avatar
    I totally agree with Jimmy!!!!!
    Posted 08-29-2010 at 09:36 PM by Adam Adam is offline

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