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Hi Mom

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Posted 09-24-2010 at 09:38 PM by caninemom3
Tags mom

Hi mom, I hope you are okay. Today was the day you were called away 12 years ago. I miss you as much now as I did then, maybe more. Mom, I felt I had to write to you in my blog especially today of all days.

I let you down, I know that. At least that is the way I feel, especially at the end, but I love you with all my heart. I always have and always will. I hope you know that and I hope you forgive me. I was never a very good daughter to you, not as good as I should have been. Not as good a daughter as you were a mom to me. I can hardly mention your name without bursting into tears.

I always had a sense even when I was very young that I was going to lose you someday and I knew that it was going to be difficult to let you go. I don't think I have ever or will ever let you go. I need you, mom.

When I was little all I can remember of you is that you were ALWAYS with me. When I was sick, you were tireless and you never thought of how tired you might have been even after working a full shift at Frieg's Restaurant in the kitchen. You took care of me. When I wanted to go somewhere you took me even though you were scared of driving.

You were my best friend as well as my mom. You liked the same music as me, played games with me and even at the age of 50, after not having driven or worked in years (even though you got a little bit of a lead foot as far as speeding in your car later), you got a job to provide for me when dad was going through a bad period of alcoholism.

You had real passion and independence and even though you thought little of yourself, you swallowed all fear and went out into the world again for me.

You and pop always made Christmas so much fun and so special which is why I am to this day so enamored with Christmas. From decorating the tree, to baking cookies which was always a hilarious time, to wrapping presents (later when I was grown) and even when I was little listening to a tape recording dad had made of you talking to Santa on Christmas Eve (funny pop didn't say anything to Santa) Christmas was always pure magic because of you and dad.

Now here we are 12 years later and you are gone. The day you passed was a nightmare.

You had broken your hip a week earlier and I had just started working at the hospital as a transcriptionist on afternoons. In the early morning hours on September 24, 1998, I was just starting to go to sleep when the hospital ER called and told me you were not doing good. I immediately got up and got dressed and got hold of my husband at work and we got to you as soon as we could.

You were still conscious when we got there and you were perfectly lucid. There were times that you had been "pleasantly confused" but not that day. That day you knew exactly what was going on around you. You told me you wanted a cup of coffee. Like a fool, I listened to the doctors and nurses when they said you could not have it. If only I had listened to you. If only.

Shortly after we got there after speaking with you, and after you said, "I love you punkin'" you went into a coma and I never spoke with you again.

I don't remember how or when but I got hold of Margaret, (my sister) and when she got there as she was kind of far away, they had moved you to the ICU.

Your vitals on the monitor were all over the place and you were in a coma. As Margaret and I sat with you, all of your vitals started to flat line. Mom, I am so sorry. I couldn't take it. I could not watch you die. I went over and touched your shoulder and your vitals instantly came back. You were still there. You could not speak but you were still there.

You somewhat stabilized for the next hour or so and I decided I just needed to come home to freshen up and if there were any change I would come right back.

I knew you were going to recover, you just had to. We both, Margaret and I, kissed you on the cheek and told you we loved you. Then we left the hospital, she went back to Akron. I came home which is not very far from the hospital at all. By the time I waked into the house, the phone was ringing. It was the ICU nurse saying I had better get back to the hospital right away.

I was in a panic. Dane (my husband) and I turned right around and went immediately back. When we entered the ICU your nurse met me and told me you had gone. Gone ?? my mother gone ?? I thought that was something that only happend to others, I was wrong.

I went into your room and sat with you. Of course you had left the shell that encased you that we humans call a body. But I know you were still hovering around.

Later on I found out that you had been given too much Haldol and it had caused hepatic (liver) failure. But you know what mom ? I didn't sue. I should have but I didn't. You should have been avenged but I lost my backbone. I am so sorry, mama.

You never knew how special you were. Pop always thought he could tame down the independence in you. He was always proven wrong again and a gain. You were always quite stubborn and very feisty. I have some of that, mom. And I am glad and once again, I thank you.

I wish I could just talk with you for an hour, tell you all I have just put in my blog. There are so many things I would like to say to you. Most important of all is that I love you so.

Mom, I will close now. I hope by some miracle I have made you proud at some point in my/your life. And most of all, I hope you are at peace. I love you so much mom.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    xmas365's Avatar
    Louanne,

    Very touching, I have tears in my eyes right now.
    I am sure you make her proud everyday, you are a great human being with a huge heart, and your mother was the one that raised such a wonderful person. She is probably always smiling as she watches over you every second of every day.


    Ron
    Posted 09-24-2010 at 10:08 PM by xmas365 xmas365 is offline
 



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