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Dear David

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Posted 11-02-2010 at 07:58 PM by caninemom3
Tags david

Dear David,

How do I begin ??

I have thought about you all day today, but then you are always on my mind anyway a lot of the time.

This is the day you left 18 years ago.

On that day I was at work. You had worked midnights but you had called me in the morning to tell me that you had a meeting at work to go to and would be late getting in and I was working day shift so we would miss each other. Little did I realize I would never see you alive again.

I worked at Rite Aid in those days because I wanted "something to do" and not because we really needed the money. You made enough for us to live comfortably. My shift on November 2, 1992 was only a short one. I got off work around 2 p.m. and I will never forget that it was raining when I got home.

I knew as soon as I pulled in the driveway something was very, very wrong. I don't know how I knew it, I just did. For one thing, our canine furchildren were in the back yard and even though it is fenced in, it was raining and I knew you would never put them out in the rain. I felt death itself hanging over this house.

I shook off or tried to all the feelings of doom I was feeling and started calling your name. I walked down the hall to our bedroom and there you were. Laying on the floor face up. Another image burned indelibly into my brain. You had a bright orange T-shirt on and your eyes were wide open. A single tear ran down your cheek. Then there was the lake. The lake that had come from your head when you pulled the trigger.

Panic set in. I started yelling loudly as I ran to the phone "Please God don't let this be happening......." But it was, indeed happening. I called 911 as fast as I could. In my panic, I told myself you had just fallen and knocked yourself out and were just badly injured, that you would be okay. Shock is such a funny thing. I called everybody I could think of. They all came as soon as they could but you were gone.

I found out later that the reason you had taken your life was because you were losing your job. You never had any self-worth and you were going through a "midlife crisis" at the time along with a period of depression. When you got the news about your job I guess you just could not take any more.

If only you had been able to stand back and think about what you were about to do. If only. You had such a brilliant mind. I had never seen you so happy about any personal accomplishment as you were on the day you were accepted for membership in MENSA, the club for super-intelligent people. Not any easy achievement but I am sure a piece of cake for you. To make it a peson has to be in the 98th percentile and you showed all of them - you were in the 99th.

You just never knew what a gift you were. I have made so many horrible mistakes since you have been gone. Instead of using the money you left behind in the insurance policy wisely, I squandered it. I also jumped right into the frying pan AND the fire by getting married to someone who is pretty much the polar opposite of me in so many ways.

I needed you, David. I still need you. You always helped me figure things out. See what happens when I figure things out on my own ?? Complete disaster.

Sometimes when I walk into that bedroom I still see you there just the same as you were 18 years ago. Do you see me ? Can you hear me ? I wonder.

I hope you can. I have heard so many people say those who commit suicide go to hell. I don't believe that. God is so loving. He knows that to actually commit suicide a person is hurting so badly they have lost all reason and for him to shun that person or send them to hell because of it just doesn't fit.

We went through so much together in the 20 years we were together. When you died, it is really true I died too. Or at least the best parts of me. I was so lost without you. You were truly my other half.

Here we are 18 years later and this day, November 2, is never easier and is in some ways more difficult each year. Maybe it is because I am getting old. I don't know.

Thank you for everything you gave me by being you. Thank you for your quick wit, your intelligence, your loving going grocery shopping together, your love of Christmas, and most of all for helping me believe in me. It was because of your belief in me that I got my GED and after you passed I put that GED to good use and enrolled in a career college and became a transcriptionist.

I would like to think you are proud of me. There is not a day that I don't miss you. I know you are with God. I know this sounds crazy, but I swear somewhere in my soul I heard Him tell me that you are there in His presence and not to worry.

Please take care. We are coming up on Christmas season again here on Earth very shortly. I tend to talk to you a lot during Christmas season. My prayer is that God bless you and keep you always.

Louanne xo
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Jeff Westover's Avatar
    Wow, Louanne. I don't know what to say. A big hug, I think, would be the best I could do. Love will see you through this -- the kind of love the brings forgiveness, and, eventually, healing. I agree with you. God does not send suicide victims to hell. I have some experience with this and while never pleasant I can attest that you can find peace.

    I'm sure David has found his.
    Posted 11-02-2010 at 08:23 PM by Jeff Westover Jeff Westover is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Courtney's Avatar
    Oh, I am sorry so for your loss. {{{hugs}}}. I have some experience with suicide as well, and I will tell you that suicide victims go to Heaven right along with everyone else, no need to worry about that. David is where he needs to be, a place of peace and love and he has the arms of God to keep him warm. May God keep you as well and continue to help you through your healing.
    Posted 11-02-2010 at 09:04 PM by Courtney Courtney is offline
  3. Old Comment
    xmas365's Avatar
    Louanne,

    Your blog post brought tears to my eyes, I am so sorry. I am sure David is where he belongs in heaven.


    Ron
    Posted 11-02-2010 at 09:36 PM by xmas365 xmas365 is offline
  4. Old Comment
    RadioJonD's Avatar
    Courage, Louanne!
    Posted 11-03-2010 at 12:45 AM by RadioJonD RadioJonD is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Christmas-A-Holic's Avatar
    Louanne, I am so sorry what you went through. I am sure David is with you all the time and wanting you to feel comfort by his presence.

    Prayers are with you always. (((hugs)))

    Sheila
    Posted 11-03-2010 at 06:57 AM by Christmas-A-Holic Christmas-A-Holic is offline
  6. Old Comment
    snowytree's Avatar
    May peace and strength be with you Louanne.
    Posted 11-04-2010 at 01:22 PM by snowytree snowytree is offline
 

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