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Unpleasant Venting

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Posted 02-05-2011 at 07:31 PM by caninemom3

Generally I do not like to speak of someone who is not available to give their own opinion on matters which concens them but there comes a time when we all must vent. That is what I am doing here. Right or wrong, these thoughts and emotions MUST come out.

I do not like my life. I haven't in fact liked my life for 18 years. I am only going to make inferences as to why, not naming any specific person while I also keep in mind that I am responsible for some of the unplesantness I experience on a daily basis.

It seems to me that there is nobody to share little joys with for the most part, nobody to share closeness with daily (speaking mainly of emotional closeness), nobody to share hopes and dreams with. Nobody to spontaneously do things on a whim with. If I go out to a store with a "certain someone" It must ONLY be to that store. No place else.

In short there is nobody to make the struggles of life less. There are only worse and worse days it seems.

I do not remember very well what it is like to feel simple joy in such things as a hug, a smile and as long as I have been in this situation those amenities have been few and far between. It has been 18 years but seemingly it is "my fault" for being so unpleasant and unfeeling and yes being so selfish and only thinking of myself.

I get so very tired of daily being berated for something I either DID do or DID NOT do. Blamed for everything that does not go according to the way a "certain someone" wants it. Walking on eggshells is not something I have ever been able to do very well.

I take care of seeing to it that the bills are being paid but I am also expected to be a secretary of sorts, keeping track of every single thing, writing nasty e-mails to whomever if that is the mood of the moment becauase a "certain someone" is too lazy to take care of their own responsibilities.

Then there are the evenings dealing with what I call an "alcoholic" mouth. Even when I am halfway at peace it starts all over again. The berating, the ever-cold attitude (which actually NEVER goes away), the yelling at my furchildren and on and on.

My goddaughter believes that if a person is not happy the best thing to do is to take responsibility and become happy, that if something is not working to fix it.

In theory this sounds wonderful. In practice, however, slightly implausible. I do not have health insurance that I pay for, in fact, cannot afford to pay for it. This was MY house at one time and I have nowhere else to go especially considering I would have to leave my furkids, which is not going to happen.

I just get very, very tired of it all. I want to be happy. I want to be able to live life in a joyful way but I just cannot and there is not anything I can do about it. I gave up my power to fix things for myself when I started depending on someone else.

It seems a thing of alien quality to me when I read how close some couples are, how they share everything and ACTUALLY like being together. That was me at one time but certainly not now. When I do try to make conversation quite often I am told to shut up because of whatever TV program is on and they all seem to be about violence.

There is a lot of baggage in this house. We both jumped far too quickly when we met and got married. I want not only happiness for myself before it is too late but happiness for all concerned because that I know of there is nobody here who is happy.

Unfortunately though money does not buy happiness as such, let me tell you it would improve a lot of things in this household. To be able to actually work on how to get along OR to AFFORD to seperate, to actually have a CHOICE would be an immense improvment. Being stuck in a situation or a relationship with someone because of finances because one is so poor that by the middle of the month the money to live on has already dwindled to near nothing, is just so sad. I certainly would not wish it on anyone.

I know that relationships are not perfect. I am not asking for perfect. Instead I am praying for consideration of my feelings, for a chance to be able to foot my own bill without having to rely on ANYONE ELSE. What a dream that is and sadly practically the only dream I have left that keeps me going or at least it feels that way tonight.

God works in mysterious ways. Father, may your ways become evident and help everyone concerned.
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  1. Old Comment
    xmas365's Avatar

    You deserve to be happy, you are such a sweet woman. I don't know what else to say right now, but I really feel for you. I hope things get better.
    Posted 02-05-2011 at 08:14 PM by xmas365 xmas365 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Rob's Avatar
    Prayers and Gods shoulder to lean on are always there.

    Everyone here will be praying for you!
    Posted 02-05-2011 at 08:39 PM by Rob Rob is online now
  3. Old Comment
    Storeytime's Avatar
    I'm so sorry about your situation. I'll be praying for you. Hang in there.
    Posted 02-05-2011 at 11:44 PM by Storeytime Storeytime is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Rob's Avatar
    God hears your prayers, know he is with you!

    Posted 02-06-2011 at 07:03 PM by Rob Rob is online now

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