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My Moments Of Panic Terror

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Posted 02-24-2011 at 06:29 AM by caninemom3
Tags gift, love, sister

I don't know how well this blog is going to be done today given the fact that I have been up all night working and just finished a mere half hour ago. Yesterday something happened to me that occasionally happens and I just have to talk about it.

I had not heard from my sister in a day or so which most everyone would think is not at all odd and in reality I guess it isn't. For most people that is. Most people except me.

If I don't hear from my sister every day either by e-mail or phone a deep seated monster starts to unleash itself within me. That monster is panic/terror.

I think it probably started when I was a child but it has taken on a life of its own since I have become an "adult." And it becomes a terror in particular regarding my sister. It is isn't fair that I feel like this but there is nothing I can do to stop it.

My sister has an active life. She and her husband are both retired, both quite sharp mentally and not the kind of "senior citizens" that you would associate with the title "senior citizens."

I just can't take not knowing where she is, that she is safe, that she is well and that nothing can harm her. If I try to tell myself she is fine and just off living life, it doesn't work. The most horrible scenarios come into my mind about what could have happened and the whack job that lives beneath the surface comes out.

To get back to my point, it had been a couple of days since I had heard from her as of yesterday. I started with e-mailing her, then calling leaving messages, still nothing. For Pete's sake, it is February !! Where could she be ?? By 8 p.m. last evening I was in a full blown panic, sobbing, walking the floor, praying wildly to God "Please Father, let me know where my sister is."

I usually try to keep when I get like this "on the down low" so to speak because if my sister finds out, she tends to get very angry at me. And I don't blame her. My husband also tends to be very intolerant when I get like this so I keep it from him also. After all, the last thing I need when I am like this is to be yelled at. Yet if it were his children he would feel the same.

I decided to make one last attempt at 9 p.m. EST last evening while American Idol was in commercial to call her. This time she answered when I dialed her number. I have it down to a science you might say. Outside I was crying and shaking, completly goonbabbles but my voice was perfectly calm and did not betray what I was really feeling. After I spoke with her and laughed with her it was though a million tons had been lifted off my shoulders. I must have thanked God at least 100 times. I am sure even He thinks I am a whack job as well as some of my MMC family probably do now that I have shared this.

Why do I get like this ?? My sister deserves to live the way she wants without reporting to the Junior Gestapo. It is just that if something were to happen to her, well, I can't even complete that thought as now I am streaming tears. It is or would be "the mother of all fears and/or calamities" to me to not have her here.

There have been too many partings in my life. Too many traumas. We all have bad things happen and I am not proposing or intimating that I have had it worse than anyone else. I have just let it make me more fragile.

I know that someday one of us must leave this world and go on without the other. I pray daily that it is me and not my wonderful, amazing sister who departs first. Life here on this planet without my sister, my other half would be no life and I pray God in His mercy will answer this prayer someday (not yet, I am not ready !!) in the way that I hope. So even though she will not be reading this I say, I love you sister. You are such a magnicent gift and treasure. Your presence in this life is so miraculous that you are everything to me.
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  1. Old Comment
    gabulldawg's Avatar
    Thanks for this blog louanne. I can relate alot !
    Posted 02-25-2011 at 07:24 AM by gabulldawg gabulldawg is offline
 

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