Merry Forums of My Merry Christmas - Blogs

To Be Yourself Is Beautiful...

xmas365 — Fri, 11 May 2012 03:46:15 GMT

As some of you have noticed I have a new quote on my signature for the forums. It is kind of a funny sounding quote, but it has struck a nerve with me as I have thought about it. I have recently discovered it in a cool sounding song called "The Feathered Tiger" it is a lyric toward the end of the song about a feathered tiger and the people who try to cheer up the tiger are basically telling him to be himself.

I have recently decided to be 100% me all the time, as a way to fight this anxiety I deal with. I wrote earlier this year on how I want to defeat my anxiety, and I feel this is the best way to do just that. I have struggled being me from time to time, I always thought of myself as not to good looking, not good enough, a boring person who cannot make small talk, etc... I have friends at work who have shown me I am good enough, and with that I have more confidence than I have had in many years. If I don't mention my wife here it would be wrong of me, as she has been my stone, seeing in me things I could not see in myself, I have always felt strong and safe around her, but it is outside of my comfort zone where my life has struggled the most.

I have recently embraced myself as being a leader/teacher where i work, people have been coming up to me asking questions of many different subjects and leading them towards the right way , and I have felt pretty good about having so many different people asking me for help. I have also have let my sense of humor loose, trying to bring the morale of the people who work around me up, it has been a very bad few months in the store for a lot of people, and if I can make them laugh and let them forget about the other things for a few minutes I feel I have succeeded. Not bad for someone who I think most people never heard me talk until I had worked there for 2-3 years.

I am really starting to like myself again, I owe my reawakening to so many people as I have shut out so many for most of my 37 years, a smile goes a long way towards friendship. I am confident again, not afraid to say things I wouldn't/couldn't say a few months ago. I have never thought clearer, never made so many laugh before, even strangers. I am so happy with the way things are going right now. I truly believe I will beat this again.

"To be yourself is beautiful, to be someone else is strange" is my mantra right now, as being myself has never been better.

when life gets stressful

Christmasstar — Thu, 10 May 2012 20:57:53 GMT

Life has a way of throwing curve balls at you when you least expect it. What do you do when things do not go as you plan, when that curve ball hits where it hurts?
After a short time at the local pity party bar, I head over here. This is where I will always find a touch of joy, a virtual hug, a cheerful word or a good joke.
This is the place where "everyone knows my name", even a camel!
Christmas is alive and well all year long and all the joy and love that comes with it.
We may be crazy like someone pointed out, but it is the best kind of crazy and I love it!

Missing The Christmas Season

Lynn68 — Thu, 10 May 2012 00:48:42 GMT

There are 240 days left until Christmas and I've been missing that holiday feeling so much lately. I've been drinking a tea called Sleigh Ride, and listening to Christmas music to keep that feeling at all times, even in May. I know summer hasn't even started yet but I can't wait for late fall to start my Christmas shopping. I miss my Christmas tree and all of the decorations I put up through out my house. Oh that feeling! It's like magic...it's pure happiness...it's spiritual...it's family and friend time...it's baking sugar cookies and the smell of turkey. I watched Family Guy tonight and it was one I had never seen, it was a two part Christmas episode and while watching it I realized I had a smile on my face. Not because of the show, but because it was so wonderful to be watching a Christmas cartoon already! Perhaps this year snow will fall on Christmas eve or maybe on Christmas day. My heart is so full of the spirit of Santa, lights, wreaths, Jingle bells and everything else so wonderfully Christmas!!

:-P

Take Good Care of My Baby

caninemom3 — Mon, 07 May 2012 03:16:01 GMT

There are many changes in life happy and sad. Despite all the changes through the years the one constant I always had was my belief and faith in God. Until now. It is hard for me to believe that it was just Good Friday when I wrote an entry to Jesus in my blog here on MMC. Here I am today with a completly changed perception of everything.

I have drifted from faith and believing right into agnosticism, that is I simply do not know. I am not knocking anyone else who is firm in their faith, I am not trying to promote atheism or even to proselytize being an agnostic. For me the only thing that half way works right now is to say I don't know if any of it is true. I don't know if there is God or Christ or anything.

From my perception I do know that for the most part (for who knows how long) when I have prayed I have felt nothing but emptiness echoing my words. No presence hearing me, no love coming back. I know people can think God is supposed to answer in a certain way and I also know that some people say God always answers prays and sometimes He says "No". I have had no preconceived notion of what an answer might be and yet still notning. For right at this moment in my life my belief is gone or at least on hold. And I am not going to pretend that all is fine. If God is there it would be a disservice to him to say I believe in something I so firmly doubt.

I look around me and I see so many people here on the site having such a difficult time. My good friend Christmas-A-Holic just lost her uncle, just like that. MerryCarey's
father-in-law is suffering with terminal cancer. A very dear friend of our own Jeff Westover's has been diagnosed with cancer returning and he is still just a young man and there are so many others.

And though this may seem trivial, our Chihuahua of 13 years, Ivy, had to be put to sleep on April 27 after suffering very badly for nearly two weeks. For Ivy the song title "Take Good Care of My Baby" came into my head before agnosticism became my course. If there is God, please take care of Ivy and all who have entered into your presence.

There are a lot of "explanations" I realize for all of these things happening. The most logical one and not necessarily the correct one to me is that I am praying to nothing. If I am not praying to nothing, then God is either
A) Deaf, B) Cruel, C) Uncaring or D) All of the above.

Loss has finally taken its toll on me. We all have loss. Many, Many folks have more devastating loss than I could even imagine and yet they go on believing. At this point I can't. I just can't. I figure if He IS there, God will find a way to tell me...........and If He is all knowing, all loving He will welcome me with open arms but until that day when or if it becomes apparent...I will go about my business as best I can......

It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like...

xmas365 — Tue, 01 May 2012 02:46:04 GMT

Okay, okay, here we are on the precipice of May, and just like every year I am starting to get the first real inkling of Christmas. It's hard to say, and understand since I am on a Christmas website daily that it's my first real thoughts of Christmas sneak up on me in May, but for some reason, years before I joined here it was always the month I started to turn my focus on the approaching holiday season. It may be just the first rough drafts of Christmas lists, or the first real thoughts on how I will decorate. I just know Christmas is coming, and my first bit of excitement is already here.

Rant for the day...

Christmasstar — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 23:37:19 GMT

Request....

A while back I joined what I felt was a great forum, it was all about cakes and decorating etc. (all things I love to do) Anyway, there were many long time members there who really knew each other well. They used nicknames for each other or short forms. They had inside jokes used all the time. Well, the result was, even though we had a lot in common I felt very out of place there. Did not get the short forms or the jokes. When I ask others to explain, no one did. I felt so lost to a point were I left what should have been a great place for me to be.

What I am trying to say, and hopefully not offend anyone, is that some of that is slipping in here, especially the use of short forms for members handles. It is great if you are here all the time but if you are new, or do not get to join in often, you can quickly get lost. There are a few times even I have had to go searching to figure out who was being mentioned.

I love it here, my favorite place to visit on the web. I want everyone here to feel the same warmth, support and fun when they come here to chat.

When talking about another member can we use the full screen name, not short forms? I am sure new members would appreciate it and would help to make them feel like they knew what was going on.

Thanks everyone for putting up with my rant for the day!

Christmas Makes the House a Home

Jeff Westover — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 06:54:24 GMT

We're moving.

After 13 years in the same place we're officially in the hunt for a new residence.

We came here when my sixth child, Madelyn, was just a week old. Our seventh, Emma, was born here and has known no other home.

If these walls could speak they would have stories to tell: like the Christmas we got Sam, our now ten year old border colllie. I had to bring him to my parents house on Christmas Eve morning for safe keeping and then I had to stay up with his whiny little puppy butt half the night to keep the kids from discovering him too early.

He's still as big a baby as ever.

And he has never known another home.

But things have changed for us and we're in need of relocating. It will be a local move and it introduces us to a new stage in our lives. Three of my adult children, due to their uncoordinated young adult activities, are all leaving the nest at one time. A mass migration.

That will leave just four girls at home -- between the ages of 10 and 16. And we're trying to find a place that fits the new dynamics.

Like most things we're making this a family affair. And like most things there are a great many details to sweat.

Here it is well past tax day and our Christmas tree is still up. It was a running joke for a while but it has been a bright spot in our home over a dismal time and it is kind of symbolic of our hope for better days to come this year.

And not so oddly enough the old Christmas tree is the measuring stick of what will make the new house a home for us.

We saw a place last weekend and the first 20 minutes of discussion centered on where the tree was going to go.

With us was one of my "adult" children (an oxymoron is more ways than one) and even she carried it to an extreme.

"This house won't work, Daddy" she said. "There's no way all of us can sleep in the basement on Christmas Eve in this house. And where would we hang the Santa map?"

Where indeed.

I'm suffering from a full blown midlife crisis here with all this change and my babies leaving me like yesterday's lunch.

But Christmas means, at least so far, they aren't really leaving at all. At least not for the real important times.

Stay tuned. We may soon have a picture of the old tree in the new house to showcase. When we finally move I don't think we're actually going to take the tree down this year. It has survived so well so far. It would be a shame to until the smell of roasting turkey makes us bring it back.

The tree and Christmas itself will turn the new place into the home we're looking for.

I just know it.

A Love Story

caninemom3 — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 03:13:09 GMT

There was a time when I didn't know about you but you still knew about me. You were there when I was born, even before. You watched me as I grew from a baby into a toddler then a child and on into adulthood. You were there the day my dear mother, Susy, told me about you and how wondrous your love is when I was but a baby. Very early on I felt a very deep connection to you, I felt your presence and your love. I felt I was special to someone besides Susy at last. When I spoke with you I knew you were really listening and that what I had to say really mattered to you. I couldn't believe how much I loved you and more importantly how much you loved me.

Throughout our relationship I have felt your sadness and anger at the things people sometimes do and I have felt your happiness when people are kind and giving and compassionate. I really do not think there was a time when I did not know you or at least my soul.

You have always been there with me. You were with me the day I married David. You were there when my brother Andy died. You were with me the day I came home and found David gone.

Yet I have left you at times. I have gone off and gotten into things I shouldn't have in this life and yet you waited for me to return. I have shaken my fist at you and cursed your name and screamed at the top of my lungs at you. I have even told you I hate you.....and yet you waited for me and you didn't stop loving me, not for one millisecond.

Tonight is the commemoration of your arrest and tomorrow marks the remembrance of your death and my saving grace. I cannot be in church tomorrow to stay and keep you company while you suffer but please know even though I am not in church I am still with you and I will be shedding tears for what you went through, what you accepted, for the ways I have failed you and for all that you sacrificed. You are the first person I speak to in the morning and the last person I speak to at night. I love you with all that I am though my love will never match yours. You are love personified, dear Jesus, and I hope when the time comes for me to leave this existence you will be there with me too.....

Christmas In My Hometown

caninemom3 — Wed, 28 Mar 2012 01:40:13 GMT

I live in a small town in Ohio. Massillon at one time was a very, very busy steel town. My father and a lot of my school friends' fathers worked right here at Republic Steel.

Christmas was in those days and still is an event to remember, from a small town perspective that is. We did not have and do not have the fancy hi-tech floats for our Christmas parade like Macy's has. We had and still have home town folks who decorate their cars and trucks with Christmas themes and then all ride through the main street of town and throw candy to all the kids who are on the sidelines waiting for Santa while also trying to promote their businesses.

Christmas music rings clearly through the air and no matter how cold it gets, nobody's spirit drops. It is the same parade now as when I was a little girl. My mother and father would bring me to the parade to see Santa himself. When at last the time came for Santa to appear I like all the little kids today who come to the parade was in awe !
There he was at last !! On a makeshift sleigh with pretend reindeer but still it was him, the real guy, not a stand in. I knew it then just as well as the kids know now. After Santa has come there is still the Christmas party at The Lincoln Theatre and also another visit from Santa !

At the Christmas party there is a kid friendly movie and lots of yummy Christmas treats, singing of carols and a lot of love and togehterness, a real feeling of community. The Lincoln theatre has been in Massillon longer than I can remember and it is still doing just fine.

Later on in the Season there is again a gathering of town folk for the annual Christmas walk about. We all meet at one of the churches here and have a specific route we walk where we visit everyone on the way wishing them Merry Christmas, visiting all the churches on the way and share lots of fellowship and then all gather back at the original destination where the walk began. We carry candles and sometimes even sing and then all go to the lighting of the Christmas tree.

We do not all know one another, at least by name like the folks do in It's A Wonderful Life, but there is a definite connection between all of us who participate in these events every year. We may not be sophisticated but we know Christmas and as travelers on the same road especially at Christmas we do our best every year to make sure everyone knows this wondrous and miraculous season and all its wonders the way we do by sharing with one another and especially by sharing of ourselves with those less fortunate than we.

Massillon is not a rich town, not by any means but it is my home. At Christmastime, however, when it is all decorated with its somewhat old decorations you would swear it is Bedford Falls. The only thing that makes it more magical is when it snows. We even have a a building and loan which has been here forever. I bet if you look really close, you can almost see Mr. Bailey running through the streets shouting as loudly as he can MERRY CHRISTMAS !!

Exhaustion

caninemom3 — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 03:20:19 GMT

It is a Monday evening and I am sitting by the fireplace with a fire nicely warming my corner of the living room. My canine kids are all asleep. My 5-1/2 year old, Clancy, is asleep beside me. My 4-month-old baby, Hermione is asleep on the other couch and my dear sweet old man of 15, Wishbone is asleep on the foot stool nuzzled up against my feet and here I sit completely and utterly exhausted yet wide awake.

There are so many reasons why I feel this way I think. One reason is my current job. I have been a transcriptionist for nearly 18 years and no job has ever made me so tired as the one I have now. I just can''t figure out why I am reacting this way. This is just doing the same thing I have done for nearly two decades but never have I ever been so out of it by the time I finish my shift. I just dont get it. I honestly feel this job is killing me, yet I cant give it up. The money is too good.

I have been thinking so much lately about things I have no control over, a key part of my personality it seems. I don't understand (not that I should) why people are put in our lives then after we come to love them they are taken away. I don't get why life has to end. I know God has "His reasons" for things but frankly even though He is God, "I ain't buyin' it". As far as I am concerned, He has some BIG explaining to do for some of the things that I have seen people go through. Good people. People who have "played by the rules". People who did not deserve to be hurt or devastated. Yep. I said it. God owes me an explanation. If He is my father as I have always called him, then He would naturally want to explain things to me as his child. Good parents always want to be sure their kids understand the rhyme and reason of things. God knows me. He has to. I bug Him regularly. I talk to him almost 24/7. I am not a stranger. I know He hears me. He knows that even if He does not answer me, I am going to love Him. That is my duty as a child to her father. I just still dont get this life though. I would just like a couple of answers.

Even I myself have had some tough things to face but I won't go into that now. It is just that I don't understand. I probably never will and that is okay. It is just that all of this I think combines with my already tired state and makes it worse.

Just about a month ago, my brother-in-law, Wes, had a second heart attack. Not quite one year ago it was disovered he had a massively HUGE abdominal aortic aneurysm (8.9 cm) that was ready to rupture at any moment. It was discovered in time for him to have an endograft placed. I am so thankful he was saved. But here we are not one year later and another heart attack.

I feel time is running out for me with the few dear ones I have left and it is running at a record rate. I have always seen the glass half empty, not really an optimist at all. If there is one thing I am positive about it is that I am positive the future is going to be awful and that I am going to wind up alone with nobody..........

Please Excuse My Face

xmas365 — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 02:06:02 GMT

Please listen to song before reading:

Okay, if you have listened you heard a song dripping in melancholia, this song better than anything describes what I feel when I battle my anxiety. My want to just hide away and not be seen by anyone. I have been fighting one hell of a demon of anxiety the last few weeks, I brought it on to myself and I have no one else to blame but myself. I have lost all my confidence I was brimming with at the start of 2012, the foot injury and the subsequent 6 weeks off just took it all out of me. I went back to work with a proverbial bee in my bonnet, trying to get back to where I was before my surgery in December. I unfortunately took some of friends for granted as I tried to quickly get back to speed, from walking away from one when she was talking to me, to barely holding it together in the break room, I apologized to each and everyone I did that to, I am not an angry person, but the stress of the job recently has gotten to me, I recently have had a shouting match with my boss in the cooler, about a misunderstanding which yet again I apologized to him for, he understood, and he praises the work I do, but I was trying to protect my associates and their value to the whole department. As a supervisor my job is to train, and one of my friends had an issue that I needed to teach her how to find on the computer at work, I showed her how to find it quickly and voila!! She was happy and held up her hand for a high five, I had a complete brainfart instead of giving her a high five, I looked at her hand and put my I put my hand against hers. I can't remember how quickly I pulled my hand away, but I felt the embarrassment rushing to my face and left the room quickly but not quick enough after that, I held it together long enough after that to talk to her after she came out, and I didn't apologize at that point, I barely remember what I said, but I should have apologized first thing. I don't know why I did that, I have given thousands of high fives in my life, but I just failed miserably and I don't know but I may have ruined a friendship because of that.
Here we are a few weeks later my embarrassment to that situation and my anxiety has taken over my mind, most of my friends have always been female, I believe it goes back to my life growing up in the situation I covered in blogpost "Embracing My Youth" I have always felt more comfortable talking to women than men, I was always comfortable being friends with girls growing up, but I never had enough courage to ask a girl out until I was 19 years old. My best friend at work is 14 years younger than myself, my wife and I helped her and her fiance out by giving them some furniture when they needed it, and I trust her more than anyone else I work with. The other person is also female and she is in her fifties and one of my superiors, but I also trust her enough to confide stuff in because where I work is a place that loves rumors you have to keep your list of most trusted very small. This person I may have hurt was probably the person I trusted the most next, but my stupidity in performing a simple high 5 may have destroyed our friendship, and now my anxiety is taking me over where I can barely eek out a "Hi." It has worn me down to the point where I have thought more than once to let this friendship die rather than save it, but she saw me laughing and smiling with a co-worker and waved at me, but I saw her and I stopped smiling and I gave a half-hearted wave back, her wave has made me want to try to save our friendship, but my anxiety has crippled me to the point I was going to go talk to her today, but I couldn't work up the courage. I tried 3 times but each time I couldn't even get closer than 50 feet. The worst one was at the end of the day, I was "looking" at the Easter stuff, but I couldn't go talk to her, I left rather quickly without saying a word to her. I don't have a lot of friends, my best male friend I lost touch with ten years ago, other male friends moved away, or I was just to lazy to keep tabs with. I hate myself tonight for all the friends I have lost due to my stigma of rudeness or laziness, and it was all brought on by the possibility of losing a friend I don't see or talk to outside of work.
My anxiety is winning, almost to the point of panic/anxiety attacks, my resolutions (that I never made in years past) are now probably not going to happen, I sit here a weak, terrified person due to this battle with this anxiety. My wife is my rock, and she has met my friends at work, but she hates when my anxiety acts up, it makes me a different person. I am the same person, I just cannot think clearly when I am dealing, there is no focus, my thoughts are just mush. Please excuse my face as I must go deal with life.

Finding Christmas

Jeff Westover — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 03:13:38 GMT

Here it is early March and my Christmas tree is still up.

That sounds like the confession of a crazed Christmas fanatic but the truth is far less romantic. My tree is up because much of my house, my life, my websites (such as this one) has all been in a suspended state due to a family crisis.

I won't detail that event here other than to say I'm sorry I've been gone. It is easy to excuse things when you can claim it is a life or death situation but honestly, it hasn't been life or death, at least not in the traditional sense. It has merely been what some would classify as teenage drama.

I don't suspect anyone will understand that. But these are MY kids I'm talking about and they are simply the world to me. I know they have to grow up and I know they must assume adult issues at earlier and earlier ages. But oh, how I wish I could go back in time and preserve them for just a little while longer, locked in their innocence and purity.

Over the past several weeks I have found myself pushing to come back here and assume my duties.

Have you ever fought yourself in a dream? You know that feeling when you are aware you are awake but you cannot simply control your body to get up and get moving? Where fighting to raise your arm or open an eye seems to take herculean effort? That's what it has been like for me to restart my Christmas spirit and take up again my Christmas duties. Yes, the tree is up but the lights aren't on, folks.

And it is sad because this is what I love to do most. How we lose track of such things when the chips are down and you've been punched in the gut.

But I think today I've finally opened my eyes. It has taken every ounce of strength to finally do it but I'm logged in...and I see many things to do.

This coming Christmas will be different for me. I knew it would be long ago, of course. I knew 2012 would be a crucial year of change as yet another of my children is transitioning from childhood to adulthood.

He's still a boy, in my eyes. Definitely not quite a man. And ever so much a child.

But Christmas for many of us is about a Child, too. And that, in and of itself, gives me hope.

Hope enough, I think, to once again get out of bed and turn on the lights.

I'm finding Christmas again. It's right here. Right where I left it.

Life, Love, and the Everyday Family...

lauriebear — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:03:41 GMT

It has been a while since my last post and well I wanted to let you all know what I have been doing!!!

Believe it or not my husband and I are expanding our business. Yup, you read that right, in this crazy economy we have not only managed to survive but thrive. We are a small business, I still work a full time job outside the home too. I have all along. We are not really married hubby and I but we have been together over 12 years now so we haven't done the deed but we are in it together. I work in construction, it is awesome because it is so busy and each day brings a new issue I love the challenge construction brings!

Anyway back to building a business and making it work. We were never very big even in the crazy boom period we keep it nice and simple, but we decided to expand and merge with his brothers company, that will give us a total of 5 trucks and 3 men plus me handling the office. I am very excited.

Life is very funny that way right, you go along sometimes you don't even realize it but you a smack in the middle of exciting and wonderful things. I feel at times I should look up more often and take in the wonders that are all around me. My family, my everyday life is really something I should be thankful for, I think today being that it is Ash Wednesday I will say a pray of thanks for all that I have in my life.

As for giving something up, I think I am going to mix this part up, I am not going to give anything up no, I think this year I am going to try to be more forgiving, more helpful. Things I should be anyway, but sometimes I forget, no I am going to give this season of Lent, give more time, more love, and more understanding. I think God and Jesus will be OK with this, in fact I have a good feeling that they will embrace this decision.

Yes, life, love, and everyday family... Isn't it a beautiful thing!!!

Lent

Christmasstar — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 01:38:18 GMT

Quote:

Christians (meaning prodestants) not only can but should observe Lent, because it will help them take up the cross and follow Christ in the midst of a suffering world.

I found this on a site when looking up information on lent. I said earlier that I did not celebrate lent, but actually we do have a form of it.

The week before Easter is spent in reflection and remembrance for the amazing gift of life given to us by Jesus. It starts with Palm Sunday.

Easter is a very special time of the year for me, even more so than Christmas because this is why Jesus came.

Christmas all year Long

Christmasstar — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 18:20:39 GMT

All year round the Christmas spirit lives on. We have to look hard for it sometimes, but it is there.
It can been seen in the most unexpected places. A teenager offering his arm to steady an elderly lady as she crosses the street. The young woman who puts coins in a parking meter that has run out and the meter maid is about to arrive. Shoveling the walk for the single mom next door, holing the door for the guy on crutches, picking up a dropped parcel for the woman who has her hands full, giving to the needy, volunteering at homeless shelters. The list goes on.
Christmas is the time of year when all this everyday goodness gets a booster shot. When those who do not think about it, suddenly want to help and give and then breath a sigh of relief when the season is past and they can go back to their every day lives.
This is what I love about this place, it keeps the spirit of Christmas always in the light. We do not need a "booster shot". We can relax and enjoy the season knowing we have worked hard all year round doing what some only do at Christmas.